Journal Entry - 10/30/17

So, I watched a chick flick, Safe Haven, yesterday while the family was enjoying Fall Family Fun Night at church. I thought it would be a good time to enjoy a sappy Nicholas Sparks movie, right? The main premise was a girl getting away from an abusive husband, but the unexpected angle of the movie that rocked me was that the guy she fell in love with lost his wife to cancer years before. The wife had written lots of letters before she died--for her kids mostly on those big things in life... their 18th birthday, wedding day, etc. The emotion of all that didn't hit me until the very end of the movie when the man gives a letter to the new girl he loves addressed 'To Her,' which was a letter his wife had left for the girl her husband would go on to love. I bawled. It was so well written and said would I would love to have the courage to say myself, but...

I DON'T WANT TO WRITE LETTERS LIKE THOSE. I want to be with my kids on those big events and milestones. I want my love to grow old with Brian. And that is why I am going through all of this.

Not everyone gets a chance to fight. Like the mom in this movie. Like those shot in Las Vegas or who are fatally injured in a car accident, or in so many ways that we lose our loved ones. Lots of pain and nausea and sickness for me to wade through, but I get a HOPE to be here with my family and watch my kids grow up, to help Brian pick paint colors for our new house, and write a graduate school reference letter for one of my amazing students.

Thank you, Lord, for HOPE. Thank you for the purpose you have given me and that I have a reason for the HOPE that is within. It gives me the will to endure, to suck it up, to keep going, and to keep moving forward (a line from Meet the Robinson's--one of my favs--and much more uplifting than Safe Haven!!!). 

Post Surgery Update

It's taken me much longer than I thought it would to put words together enough to update here. I don't know why, other than the pain med fog I've been in or that I just haven't wanted to do much of anything, but I have appreciated the individual texts, visits and questions in the meantime checking in on me and making me (and my family) feel very loved and supported.

I had my post op appts this week, so we know now beyond 'surgery went well'... the short version is that pathology came back 99% clear of cancer cells (a good result for them is 95%--so we beat that!). Also, out of the 8 lymph nodes they took out and tested, 6 were completely clear and 2 were cleared by 'evidence of treatment' (again, the chemo worked!). My doctors are taking the pathology (all the slides and evidence from surgery) to the 'Tumor Board,' which happens today, and all the smart people together in the same room come up with the best treatment plan moving forward. My oncologist has already anticipated another round of chemo (darn that 1%) called Taxol, which is a weekly IV dose but apparently isn't as harsh as the first kind I received, and that is scheduled to start Nov 14th. The tumor board is going to be looking at whether or not radiation will be recommended after that... so specific prayer request is that it will not be!

My ovaries and tubes are still intact--short version is that the 3rd surgeon responsible for that part had the flu. The silver lining is menopause is delayed for now... but we'll just schedule that procedure with the 2nd phase of breast reconstruction after everything else is done.

Which brings me to recovery... not going to lie... this hurts. It's been a week and a few days and I finally am starting to feel like a truck is not constantly resting on my chest. The pain meds have been working well and I have been sleeping a lot. These last few days, I've been able to back off of them, intermixing tylenol instead of just the big guns, which is good because it helps me not be so out of it, as well as means that I'm not in such pain that we can adjust things down. These drains they put in are a total pain--literally they hurt but they are so annoying! I was able to get 2 of the 4 out while I was down there on Wed... hoping these others can come out soon. A praise is that my surgeon provided a referral to one up here in Sonora that can help take these drains out and do a couple of the minor check ups in between now and when I go back down to start chemo. Prayer requests for that would be that all the orders come through and I can get scheduled easily for next week.

Other than that, I am definitely appreciating my husband and all the time he is taking from work to be with me in hospitals and doctor offices, my mom and Dad2's help around here in keeping the house and the kids functioning, as well as Bill doing a ton of work in the garages for Brian! The meals and the friends and gifts have been so encouraging and supportive... we are so thankful. I'm pretty sure I mention this almost every time I post something, but I can literally feel the prayers and support you all are providing in terms of the peace from God that calms my heart and mind. There have been so many 'God moments' and answers to prayers in this process that I look forward to sharing in a future post... but now, it's time for a nap. :)

Love to you all, 

Surgery is scheduled

Surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, October 17. Brian and I will go down the night before, check in is at 8:30am with the procedure to follow. They say it'll be about a 3-4 hour surgery, with a 24-hour watch afterward, so overnight in the hospital and home the next day, if all goes as planned 🙏.

So thankful that my mom and Dad2 are going to come and stay with us during this time... to be with the kids while we are gone and at the post-op appointments to follow, to help me in recovery, and help us keep our house functioning so Brian can work and kids can feel as normal as possible while I am down. So, so thankful.

Also thankful for all the help being offered from our wonderful friends, co-workers, and church family. The support on this journey has been incredible... the delicious home-cooked organic meals and freezer meals, the rides for our kids, the eggs and fresh produce from farms/gardens, the help around the house, the cards and gifts that are show up regularly... just an amazing blessing to both Brian and I. We are so encouraged by everyone around us, it helps us to think on our blessings instead of the burdens in this tough time. Thank you!

My Bible study book brought me to Chapter 4 in Philippians this morning, and it was impeccable timing for me and what my heart needed as I brace myself for this surgery (this is what I think it means about the Bible being a 'living word'--speaks truth where needed and when needed if you are open to it!). Here's what Wiersbe (author of the study, Be Joyful) had to say, "Chapter 4 (of Philippians) describes the spiritual resources the believer has in Christ: God's peace (vs 1-9), God's power (vs 10-13), and God's provision (vs 14-23). With resources like these, why should we worry? We have the peace of God to guard us (vs 7), guide us (vs 9), come to us when we practice right praying (vs 6-7), right thinking (vs 8), and right living (vs 9)-- God's secret victory over all worry!"

Gonna hold on to this one with everything I've got for the next few weeks!!!

Post Treatment #4

I figure an update is due… I received my last dose of AC chemo a week ago today (Tuesday). I also was able to have a consult with both my oncology surgeon and the reconstruction surgeon while I was down there. Wow. A ton of information in a short amount of time… topped by the last of the nasty stuff.

The good news first… they stop short of saying I’ve had a complete response to the chemo, because what they ‘feel’ only tells them 30% of the story of what is actually going on inside the body. However, all of the doctors were beyond pleased—there was no mass to measure (where there used to be 9x8 cm one mass!) and they did not feel any swollen lymph nodes (there were at least 3 before) There was nothing to measure!!! Such great news and makes all this yuck at least worth it.

The harder stuff… My veins are getting hardened from the chemo, so the nurse had a hard time getting my IV in this time. Also, I got a kind of anxiety attack (realized what it was after the fact) when she started pushing the chemo… thankfully the med that was already prescribed to me to help with the nausea and to sleep has an anti-anxiety effect as well… so she just had me put it under my tongue to dissolve it quicker into my body and I was a-okay.

Just looks nasty, doesn't it? It's pretty tough to watch this stuff get pushed into your veins... yuck!

Surgery is coming… probably in three weeks from now (which, honestly makes my stomach turn almost as much as the chemo), but the schedulers apparently are having a time with getting the doctors coordinated. We’ve decided to do a double mastectomy--the BRCA 2 gene I tested positive for raises my chances of another breast cancer (not just a re-occurrence of this one) up to 60-80% if any breast tissue remains. That was enough for us to call it done. On surgeon’s advice, I’ll also start phase 1 reconstruction with this surgery, then follow whatever treatment is determined by what is discovered in surgery (maybe more chemo and/or radiation), then more reconstructive surgery after all treatment is done. All the appointments and all the information was a bit overwhelming, but overall, the doctors are very positive about the outcomes and that is good news to me. They also set up a consult for me next week to talk with the gynology oncologist about getting my ovaries and tubes removed due to the increased risk of ovarian cancer with the BRCA 2 gene—which could be coordinated with this first surgery or the next one.

My Bible study group is starting a new book on Philippians, Be Joyful by Warren Wiersbe… reading the introduction this morning was encouraging to me and a good way to think about all that is and is coming. A couple quotes that I’d like to hold on to… 

“The secret of Christian joy is found in the way the believer thinks – his attitudes. After all, outlook determines outcome.” (pg 18)

 “He (Paul) did not look at Christ through his circumstances; rather, he looked at his circumstances through Christ—and this changed everything.” (pg 22) 

And… this is why I can have JOY (even through the tears here and there--been emotional this week!)! This is why I can find thankfulness. This is why there is HOPE!!!

Love to you my friends…

Journal Entry from 9/12/17

HOPE

"May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Notes from NIV Study Bible: Any hope the Christian has comes from God. Hope cannot be conjured up by man's efforts, it is God's gift by His Spirit.

My Bible reading this morning reiterates a theme that has been standing out to me... I am NOT in control of this (or much else, for that matter!). I have no say as to how the chemo is working, how my white blood cell counts are rebuilding (or not), how the cancer is behaving... which is really weird because it is in my own body, but yet I have nothing to do but respond, rest, and HOPE. I actually love that this verse tells me that even HOPE is outside of my realm of control--because it can be easily lost or squashed if it is just in my hands. Lord, YOUR HOPE in ME. I trust you. I trust you to give me hope to overflowing. I trust that you can use this. I hope that you can use me. Joy and peace in the midst of this hard time. Fill me with your HOPE.

The Toby Mac song, Way Beyond Me, has been an encouraging word to me in this same theme. I'm including the song and lyrics here as a reminder for me that my HOPE is in the Lord that I trust--and it's not a whimsical hope, but a HOPE in a God who loves me and will bring peace and joy to me, even in the midst... even when the waters are a little too deep, when I feel like the underdog in the fight of my life... I've never been so aware of my need... Lord, I know I need you!

Lyrics

Call it a reason to retreat
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched outsized the underdog in the fight of my life
Is it so crazy to believe

That you gave me the stars put them out of my reach
Call me to waters a little to deep
Oh I've never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
Yeah it's out of my league
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond

Anything that I got the strength to do
In over my head keeps me countin' on you
I'm leaving the sweet spot sure shot tradin' it all for the plans you got
Is it so crazy to believe

That you gave me the stars put them out of my reach
Call me to waters a little to deep
Oh I've never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
Yeah it's out of my league
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me

You take me to the place where I know I need You
Straight to the depths that I can't handle on my own
And Lord I know, I know I need You
So take me to Your great
Take me to Your great unknown

It's way beyond me, way way beyond me
It's it's way beyond me, way way way beyond me

Yeah, You gave me the stars, put them out of my reach
Called me to waters just a little too deep
Oh, I've never been so aware of my need
Yeah, you keep on making me see
It's way beyond me (it's way beyond me)
It's way beyond me (it's way beyond me)
Yeah, it's out of my league (it's way beyond me)
It's way beyond me (it's way beyond me)
It's way beyond me (it's way beyond me)
It's way beyond me

You take me to the place where I know I need You
Straight to the depths that I can't handle on my own (it's way beyond me)
You take me to the place where I know I need You
Oh take me to Your place
Take me to Your great unknown

Songwriters: David Arthur Garcia / Toby Mc Keehan

Beyond Me lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

Artist: TobyMac

Album: This Is Not a Test

Released: 2015

Genre: Christian/gospel

Just got round 3 and it's going well!

On Day 3 post 3 chemo infusion... so thought a blog update would serve as a great update to what is going on since I'm in-house for the next few days.

First of all, last week was full of blessings... kids first week of school, Columbia College back to life and Brian back to school with a good group of students!

Also, my dad came for a visit last weekend and helped the kids get their back to school shopping done (yea! I didn't have to deal with Walmart!!!), attend 1st soccer games, and we had a good visit, the first since my diagnosis. AND... my mom is here now with us to help us through these last two rounds of chemo. Helping with school, soccer, treatments and sickness... she has come to help us keep things regular for the kids and keep up on life in general, as well as either attend appointments with me or stay with the kids while Brian and I go. Such blessings from my wonderful parents (and their supportive spouses that let them come!).

Mom driving us back from Stanford through the bay area traffic

On to the medical stuff... had an appointment on Tuesday with my oncologist who was totally pleased with the progress the chemo is making. This is the first time that he hasn't taken a physical measurement of the mass because he said it's too mushy to measure... which is a great sign of it breaking down! He also verified again that no lymph nodes are swollen, so that is a great sign that the cancer is being contained. I received my 3rd round of chemo, along with a dose of Neulasta, which is a white blood cell count booster (that apparently costs as much as a new Tesla--hope insurance picks that up!!!), because again, my numbers were lower than they wanted them to be. Hopefully this will help build me up back higher so that I can recover stronger from dose #4 of chemo and be ready for surgery. I have a surgery consult on Sept 18, the day before my last chemo dose (of this round), with anticipation of surgery 4 weeks after that--so surgery will likely be sometime mid-October.

As we approach surgery, a few weeks ago I was given the news that I tested positive for the BRCA 2 gene mutation, which is likely the cause of my breast cancer. This changes treatment options for me, as well as increases the likelihood of me getting another related cancer--either breast or ovarian--(like up to 80%). So, I will still consult with my surgeon for specifics, but knowing that I have to get a mastectomy anyway, I will likely do a bilateral mastectomy, as well as remove my ovaries/tubes. Not sure how it's all going to go down, but again, I have the surgery consult on Sept 18 and will hopefully know more then. In terms of the BRCA genetics, there is a family history on my dad's side of the family with my grandmother and her mother (they didn't know about BRCA genes back then), and on my mom's side I have a cousin who had breast cancer (but tested negative for BRCA). So, I still have to meet with the genetics counselor on what that all means, but will communicate more as I know more, especially to my amazing family members.

Now what... get through this next few days of chemo icky. Enjoy my mom being here and trying to stay cool in this terrible heat wave. Pray for Texas and the mass devastation there and know there are so many who need HOPE in this crazy messed up world. Maybe work a bit over the next few weeks when I feel good.

So many of you have been asking how to help and we thank you so much! With my mom here, we have put a halt on the meal train stuff and the big needs, since she is here and is such a big help. In her words, "what else am I going to do at your house if it's not cooking, shopping, cleaning, etc.?" So... you'll notice the dates are pretty far out for the meal train... and that is for after she leaves and we're dealing with the 4th round of chemo and prep for surgery. Surgery will be another whole beast in itself. Then there will be more treatment after that... so this is a loooonnnnnggggg haul of help that will be needed. So, we definitely appreciate your continued prayers and offers!

The scripture that I read this morning...

From Brian

As Brian started back at school this last week with all the teacher meeting days (school starts for him and the kids on Tues), he had lots of conversations about our summer and felt the need to send an email to his fellow staff members about my health situation. It got relayed to me and it was actually really good for me to read, through his words, what's been going on around here. I'm obviously living it, but it's good to see it from his perspective and hear how he communicates his heart. I got his permission to share it here as well, as a way of an update in the middle of round 2--so... guest post by Brian Miller 💓

8/16/2017

Hi all,

Sorry to anyone who asked me how my summer was ... and then was surprised hear that Kirsten was diagnosed with breast cancer. So I thought that I would let everyone know what is going on.  My wife has breast cancer. It is a pretty aggressive form. We were not able to catch it super early. It is in the lymph-nodes but has not metastasized anywhere else. She has had two treatments of chemo at Stanford and is responding well to the treatment.  The mass shrunk after the first treatment and our oncologist was pleased by that. She has two more treatments scheduled (one every three weeks) before a re-evaluation and probably surgery and then maybe more chemo at that point.

Any of you who know her know that she is positive, strong and is a rock star... she loves her job and was actually at work today! She is upbeat and we are both confident that she will be OK. 

I am doing well (thank you to those who asked).

The kids are well too. They all seem to be themselves and doing their normal things. We are trying to keep life as normal as possible around the house.

People have asked if they can help.  I like hugs. Kirsten does too. We will take all they prayer and positive thoughts we can get.  If you want to take a more active roll there is a meal train that has been set up for us... I will get that info to you later... cant remember the website. The only problem with joining the meal train is that we are trying to go hippie dippy organic which we have discovered is tricky at first. Signing up for that is not for the faint of heart.

So now when you ask me how I am doing I won't feel like I have to explain all of this before I just let you know if its a good day or a bad one.

Thank you all,

Brian Miller