Heavy

Heavy is how I have felt this week. And not just because of news I received that a biopsy of a mole on my arm came back as melanoma. A coworker had a friend commit suicide and she was the last one to talk with him and the one who found him. Another friend's daughter has been struggling with her own diagnosis. We owe a lot in taxes this year. I was skipped over in payroll this month (it was rectified quickly, but still!). A former student was in my office crying this week after a fall out with her dad. A tenant is suing our insurance for an injury he received on our property. Our friend's child was airlifted to the hospital because he wasn't able to get enough oxygen while fighting the flu. I'm reading a book (The Nightingale) which is about women in France during WWII, and all the things I just mentioned are NOTHING compared to what was suffered by people in that war.

Still... heavy... but not without hope.

I'm also reading a book called It's Not Supposed To Be This Way by Lysa Terkeurst and it's hitting home for me in so many ways. This morning, I read from chapter 7, titled 'When God gives you more than you can handle' where she walks through hearing her own diagnosis of breast cancer. There is no promise in the Bible that God won't give us more than we can handle. Why do we say that to each other in times of trial? This world is filled with people who are given more than they can handle. And so is the Bible. What God's word does say is that He is with us and uses the 'more than we can handle' in our lives to draw us to himself. "When we seek God, we see God. We don't see his physical form, but we see Him at work and can start to see more of what He sees. Trust grows. If our hearts are willing to trust Him, He will entrust to us more and more of His perspective... if we want to see Him in our circumstances and see His perspective, we must see Him, His ways, and His Word. That's where we find His good plans and promises for hope and a future." Also, this... 'we need to remember the difference between news and truth.... news comes at us to tell us what we are dealing with. Truth comes from God and then helps us process all we are dealing with. Instead of saying God won't give me more than I can handle, maybe I can just simply say, 'God's got a handle on all I'm facing.'" He is our hope, He is our salvation, He can handle this, He is good, He can use this for good, He can be trusted. And I have hope...

So, I have made my appointments with the melanoma clinic at Stanford for March 27. Because they are good like this, they also made an appointment at the surgery center for me to have the procedure done on the same day as the doctor sees me, if everything goes as expected at my exam. My prayer is that there will be no depth to this melanoma--initially it was given a stage 1a rating from the biopsy at my local dermatologist, which is easily treatable. I pray for no complications--this is on the same arm from which lymph nodes were removed as part of my mastectomy (8 removed, 3 had evidence of disease), and thus the risk for infection and lymphedema (permanent swelling) is high for any poke or prod of that arm--and here I am doing a whole procedure. I also pray that there is no other spots, or spreading--the BRCA 2 gene mutation makes me susceptible to this type of cancer as well. I will have to be super careful with sun exposure and go in for monitoring every 3-4 months (yea... more doctor visits and lots of long sleeves...not). I appreciate your prayers and encouragement, as we take care of this, while still trying to do normal life and all those good things. 

Thank you, my dear loved ones.

Check ups are good!

Just wanted to post the continued good news I have been receiving from my doctors, as many of you are continuing to pray for that for me!

Oncologist appointment on Sept 10th was just a physical exam, no CT scan or blood work, but everything checked out good. On Dec 10, we'll do another CT scan on my every 6 month cycle. I will continue on Tamoxifen (daily med) to keep estrogen from growing bad cells in my body, and with that, experience the lovely effects of menopause--hot flashes and all. I'll take that over chemo any day, so just learning how to best navigate it (like alcohol affects me even more and faster now, weight gain, stomach aches from the meds, etc.). I have finally been able to kick the nightly sleep aids, too. Chemo (maybe just cancer in general?) wreaks havoc on your sleep (I'm even part of a sleep therapy study for it), and I was so nervous to not use sleep aids (over the counter and melatonin) and not get good rest, as I am already so tired. However, I am getting fed up with taking all this medicine and just want my body to heal as much as I am in control, so I started weaning myself down a few weeks ago and the last week has been sleep med free. It's awesome to wake up less groggy and it feels better over all for sure... the sleep hasn't been as sound or as long most nights, but it'll get there!

Yesterday, my radiation doctor was most impressed by the way my skin is healing up. She was actually really surprised that it was this good this soon! The NP at my school has suggested some really great oils (rosehip oil for healing skin and scars) and salves (calendula for moisturizing) that I have been using, and apparently that has made the difference! Dr. Zaky said that it will really benefit my reconstruction surgery to have that skin all soft and pliable (skin that has been radiated tends to get stiff and leathery), so I will keep up the regiment, and I don't have to go back to see here until April 2019!

Getting in the groove with school schedules and regular stuff has been good. Kids are all doing well and enjoying their friends, church and school activities. (first day of school pics below)

  

Brian is hanging in there with his absolutely insane class schedule this year (he's teaching 4 sections of different classes within one period this year, plus 2 sections in another, plus 3 other class--ridiculous!). It's homecoming week at the high school right now, so he and Zeke have been having fun with dress up days and building the freshman float for the parade tomorrow.

I have been feeling so much better, here in the last couple weeks especially. I am still getting tired faster than I used to and my brain gets tired quicker, too, but I am learning it's okay to come home and cat nap and have the kids help with dinner. Work is awesome, I love meeting with students again, but it's super draining for me also, so learning to balance it all again. I got to go on a field trip with Ethan this week on a walking tour of Downtown Sonora--so fun to learn history of our own town. Also, last Saturday, I was asked to share my testimony about God's story working in mine at the Women's event at church. I probably ended up talking for way too long, but it was really neat to share how God has been working in my life - cancer and all the way up to it and through it - and hopefully be an encouragement to others shining God's HOPE in my story.

Coming up... next week I go down for a pre-op consult with my plastic surgeon for my reconstruction surgery, currently scheduled for Dec 20. During that procedure, I will also get my ovaries removed, so a consult with that dr will happen closer to the surgery date. (Merry Christmas!) So, continued prayers for that process and for doctors hands to be steady, sure and skilled! For scans to be clear!

Also, prayer for another dear sister just diagnosed last week. Praise for another who just got the beautiful word 'remission' from her oncologist. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month--make sure you are doing your self-checks and doctor visits... please BE AWARE!

The New Normal

It’s been awhile and so much has happened since my last update here. I finally feel like writing about it all, so this might be a long winded post… just a warning!

First, I had a clear CT scan on May 21, meaning that there is no evidence of cancer in my chest and abdomen (YAY!!!).  Remember I had been told before by my doctor that he wouldn’t say to me that I was cancer free or in remission… so the closest I get is him taking me out of the ‘active treatment’ phase and into maintenance phase… and I will take it!!!

What that means for me is checkups every 3 months with the oncologist, including CT scans every 6 months, and taking a daily med called Tamoxifen, which blocks the estrogen receptors from attaching to and feeding cancer cell growth. Apparently, my blood counts are still depressed, which is normal for about 6-12 months after chemo, and affects my energy level and still my immunity, but nothing like actually being on chemo. My left arm still has some stiffness from surgery and radiation, which I can work on with stretches and strength building. I got to have my port removed, and I have reconstructive surgery scheduled for Dec 17, which also hopefully includes the procedure to get my ovaries out. I also have to meet with my radiation oncologist in Turlock every 3-4 months (for about a year, I guess) to have her check on how my skin is healing up. And… in the midst of all this, I was also diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome on both wrists. I had signs before, but the chemo exacerbated the neuropathy in my hands, so it got much worse. I pretty much have numb hands every night during sleep, and they fall asleep regularly when I am actively doing something with my hands (riding a bike, driving, typing, etc). My chiropractor was able to help reduce the symptoms, which has been great, but we will have to deal with this sometime…

So happy that my hair is coming back—so far it is a bit darker than before and chemo curl is REAL. So so curly! They say it changes as the new hair grows out, but I am just so happy it decided to come back, I will take what I can get!

I got to be a counselor up at Hume Lake this summer with our church high schoolers. It was amazing to be at Hume again, and even more cool to be there with my own kids (and yes, Zeke is now taller than me and Brian!)! Exhausting, incredible and very fulfilling week!

So… my new normal… regular doctor appointments, daily pill, less energy and brain power than I used to have but still way better than when in treatment, lots of curly hair products, a deeper appreciation for the people I love and care about, less tolerance for the petty (this is a good and bad thing!), and a powerful recognition and thankfulness for the hope the Lord provided me in this journey through answered prayer, community, and the hold that he has on my heart.

Out of active treatment means a celebration!!! So many of you, my dear family and friends, came to help us celebrate this milestone at the end of June at an open house we called  the ‘kicked cancer’s butt’ party! It was awesome to feel well enough, exactly one year after receiving this diagnosis, to host and hug and talk and thank those who were able to be here (or those who wanted to be but couldn’t!). I can’t imagine what this year would have been like without the support we received, and in so many countless ways. We are so grateful, feel so loved, and can’t say THANK YOU enough!!! It was so awesome to BE with all of you that I didn’t take ONE picture—which is a bummer—but enjoying the moment was more than awesome. We also got to go white water rafting as a celebration with our guide friend, Derrick, which was a very special gift to us and our family to play and have FUN together.

Rafting on the South Fork of the American River, the Gorge Run

I have definitely appreciated the more ‘normal’ parts of life since being done with treatment… before summer, I went back to work on a pretty regular basis throughout May, and received tenure, which was a pretty cool career milestone! I was able to enjoy Emmy’s first season of volleyball and to go on a field trip to Yosemite with Ethan’s class. Zeke graduated from the 8^th grade and received some pretty awesome awards. We were thankful for summer break and working around the house, enjoying the swimming pool, and trying to recoup after a whirlwind year with a couple of fun family trips, some organization in the new house and prepping up for another busy school year (with one in high school!).

At Giovanni's in Morro Bay, soaking up the 60 degree weather!

School starts today for Zeke and Brian, tomorrow for Ethan and Emmy, and I started back at work last week. The new normal will be an interesting adjustment for us. I am so grateful that I am able to jump back into life, but it is definitely different. Hard to explain the dichotomy of feelings inside of me, but I have come to realize that life will be different from now on, even if most things appear normal. If I have to say no to ‘normal’ stuff, know that it is me, not you. I do not have the energy or cognitive function like I used to, but still the same requirements—with added logistics of doctor appointments, side effects of daily meds, and the hope living in the back of my mind for continued clear scans. I have to keep what I have to do a priority, instead of everything I want to do! I also have to figure out a way to incorporate exercise again to help with some of those side effects as well as just my good health. I am so thankful for the love and care that continues to surround me and my family, and want to continue to live in that place where the blessings are the focus, because there is MUCH to be grateful for.

So, the new normal… bring it!

Update on Radiation

My dear family, friends and prayer warriors,

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... only 2 more trips to Turlock for radiation therapy! My skin is so much very much not happy. Itchy, blistering, peeling--owie and yucky. My rad techs and doctor are completely awesome, and I will miss their daily encouragement and involvement in my treatment--though not the daily commute or damage to my skin. There is a bit of an 'after-burn' effect so my skin should start healing after next week. While wincing in pain, I am so very thankful that the technology and people exist that can fight this cancer beast. Every time I lay on that table I envision the game Galaga--and pray those rays are blasting those little bugger cancer cells out of my skin and body, and not letting one get by so we can move up to the next level!!!

There is definitely more to come. I have to get a cervical spine CT scan with contrast sometime this week because my hands are constantly going numb (including waking me up throughout the night) and we need to rule out badness going on. After an initial freak out when that order came in and some God-given insight by a friend, Brian and I truly believe that it is carpal tunnel symptoms coming back in full force. I was experiencing the same type of numbness throughout our move last year but it had dissipated with me not using my hands as much throughout all this treatment. However, I have been driving for about 3 hours and using my computer daily at work... plus the added side effects of the Taxol chemotherapy I had that causes neuropathy (numbness)... we are breathing a little easier going into the CT scan. Not that carpal tunnel is anything to snuff off, but we can handle that better than if something is wrong with my spine! So, prayers would be appreciated for that to get approved by insurance and the appointment made so we can get that taken care of asap, as well as a clear scan result.

My next check down at Stanford is on May 21, with a CT scan of my chest and abdomen to see if all the treatment we have been doing has prevented cancer from metastasizing anywhere else. This will be the appointment that either gives me the clear for the next 3 months or a new game plan. A second reconstructive surgery and removal of my ovaries are on the 6 month radar, but a clear scan to allow the healing process from treatment to begin. I, again, covet your prayers! 

Still, I am awed by the incredible love and support we are surrounded by. EVERY time I fill my gas tank, I'm using a gas card from one of our amazing co-workers. I was just the recipient of donated sick-leave at my work, allowing me 30 more paid sick days--and it was maxed out in under 48 hours once the solicitation email went out. SO incredible!!! Meals, rides to Turlock, calls, messages, care... what a gift to me and my family... we are so well loved. I look forward to the time when I can be that for someone else... now knowing how much each of these little (and big) things mean to someone going through the ringer. I'm walking through this fire with a couple of my friends in their own cancer battles, and while I do not wish this road on anyone, I am glad to be there with them, for them, and lifting them up in prayer constantly.

I also have to say that it has been good to feel more a part of things lately... We are talking about summer plans and funs ways to celebrate being done with treatment once I feel better. Emmy finished her volleyball season this past week and started track. Zeke is getting ready to graduate 8th grade and move up to high school. Going on school field trips with Ethan and thinking about end of the year gifts for teachers has been fun. Being able to attend church and going in to work most afternoons after radiation has been great. My hair is starting to grow out and I've even stopped wearing my hats everywhere. (In my radiation waiting room, there are always those rumor mill magazines, and apparently, this short hairstyle is gaining some runway popularity--who knew?) One of my eyebrows is choosing to take it's time coming back, but my eyelashes are almost all the way back, and I've had to start shaving my legs again (I do have to say that was nice to not do the last 8 months!). I've also been working to get my patio decked out with pretty plants and furniture so we are ready for tons of summer fun. Normal (almost) feels good! 

Now, just gotta get this skin healed up, get some sleep, and get a couple of clear scans... 💪

Update

A whole month since my last post... no wonder I have so many asking what is going on!

Radiation started this past week on Thursday. I was able to get the referral and feel confident with the Stanford Oncology Radiology clinic at Turlock's Emanuel Cancer Center, and that is where I am doing the treatment. I really like Dr. Zaky, nurse Sandy, Chris and David (who do the radiation), and Linda--the person who measured for my treatment and lives in Sonora :). I have 33 sessions total, which I will be doing daily Mon-Fri, so about 6 weeks or so of treatment. Each session will be about 12 minutes, and a little longer on Mondays when I have to check in with the doctor and Thursdays when they take x-rays. 

That is a lot of driving right there--it's about 1 hr and 15 mins each way (much preferred than the 3+ traffic hours to get to Stanford in Palo Alto, though!) Brian and I were debating if we should get a little commuter car or rent a car or invest in a hybrid instead of hauling my SUV up and down the hill... but decided it just wouldn't outweigh the fuel savings. We calculated the fuel cost to be right around $1000 for the entire length of treatment, including the couple trips I need to make to Stanford within the next 3 months for oncologist and plastic surgeon follow-ups. And then this happened... 

Brian texted me and said that he got an awesome gift from our Sonora High Family. And I also received yet another gift from our Columbia College Family. The love and support these two communities have shown for us has just been incredible, over and over. What gives me the goosebumps in particular this time around is that the gas cards and cash that were included in these gifts total just over $1000... um... isn't that what we had calculated we would need for all these trips (and hadn't shared with anyone)? There is even extra for lunches and a Starbucks here and there. And it's not just the financial part, either. It's the adorable handmade message board, the cards, the words of hope, faith, love and encouragement that are supplying what we need to keep up this fight, to know we are not alone and that there is something much bigger going on here than just a cancer battle. My kids are seeing the generosity and love. My husband is feeling supported and cared for. I am so amazed and humbled at how our needs are continually provided and it brings me such peace in knowing God has got me, us, in the midst of such challenge. As I treasure these gifts in my heart and wonder how I am so blessed... the Bible tells me so... 

And this time, he did it through our amazing co-workers and friends. Thank you just doesn't seem like enough!

Should have watched the Olympic Opening Ceremonies...

but no... apparently, I have a knack for watching the most heart-wrenching movies when I'm on my own (I really need start reading reviews). I love Drew Barrymore movies, and this one, I Miss You Already, was about best friends in the ups and downs of life, said the oh so very vague description on Amazon Prime. I thought it would be a sweet friendship movie. And yes, while it was that... SPOILER ALERT.... I should have turned it off right near the beginning when the best friend of Drew's character found out she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had to have chemo. And lost her hair and got a wig. And because she was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer and genetics testing indicated so, she had a double mastectomy. And her kids had to see her go through all this. And her husband had the weight of the world on his shoulders, plus a sick wife. And her friends came around her but felt bad for their own struggles and joys in the midst of her battle. And I am ugly crying through all of it, but can't turn it off, because I relate (up until she cheated on her husband... want no part of that!). And then it gets worse, and long movie short... she hopes there is a heaven.

I praise God that I know there is a heaven. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

Chemo is DONE!

Yesterday, going into my last infusion, I opened my Bible for my 'HOPE' verse of the day. I was brought to the story in Mark 9 about the father who brought his demon possessed son to Jesus and the dialogue went something like this: 

And in the next verses, Jesus delivers the boy by driving out the evil spirit.

The commentary in my study Bible expanded on these verses: "The question was not whether Jesus had the power to heal the boy but whether the father had faith to believe it. A person who truly believes will set no limits on what God can do (vs.23)," and "Since faith is never perfect, belief and unbelief are often mixed (vs.24).

These verses really resonate with me in this season of my life.

I have felt during this whole cancer journey--that the Lord CAN heal me completely--I truly believe that he can... and yet I still get all the doctors and treatments. People have questioned me on both sides of this coin. I kinda feel like it's that story of the drowning man...

I feel like God provides me help through the amazing doctors, technology and science behind cancer research... chemo the rowboat, surgery the motorboat, and radiation the helicopter... to be 'saved' from this terrible diagnosis and I'm taking every opportunity he's providing me. I struggle with the unbelief/belief, and I am so thankful that Jesus is one who meets me where I am (and where this father was). Jesus allows for the raw honesty, and had mercy for the "if" statement. IF God is real, then... EVERYTHING is possible for Him who believes... the reason for my HOPE! Lord, please help me to know it is by your power alone that I am saved--for eternity and for your purposes and glory here on this earth!

The "IF" statement makes me nostalgic for the IF conference we hosted at our church last year, and since I wasn't able to lead it again this year, it got dropped from the radar :(. It's happening in many, many places throughout the world all throughout the spring (livecast on Feb 9-10). Heck, I might just register and watch it from home... yes, I think I might! Anyone want to join me? Here's a little promo they put out last week...  and the link to find out if one is happening in your neck of the woods... https://register.ifgathering.com/if-local. My house isn't listed on there... but seriously, let me know if you want to come over!