Yesterday, going into my last infusion, I opened my Bible for my 'HOPE' verse of the day. I was brought to the story in Mark 9 about the father who brought his demon possessed son to Jesus and the dialogue went something like this:
And in the next verses, Jesus delivers the boy by driving out the evil spirit.
The commentary in my study Bible expanded on these verses: "The question was not whether Jesus had the power to heal the boy but whether the father had faith to believe it. A person who truly believes will set no limits on what God can do (vs.23)," and "Since faith is never perfect, belief and unbelief are often mixed (vs.24).
These verses really resonate with me in this season of my life.
I have felt during this whole cancer journey--that the Lord CAN heal me completely--I truly believe that he can... and yet I still get all the doctors and treatments. People have questioned me on both sides of this coin. I kinda feel like it's that story of the drowning man...
I feel like God provides me help through the amazing doctors, technology and science behind cancer research... chemo the rowboat, surgery the motorboat, and radiation the helicopter... to be 'saved' from this terrible diagnosis and I'm taking every opportunity he's providing me. I struggle with the unbelief/belief, and I am so thankful that Jesus is one who meets me where I am (and where this father was). Jesus allows for the raw honesty, and had mercy for the "if" statement. IF God is real, then... EVERYTHING is possible for Him who believes... the reason for my HOPE! Lord, please help me to know it is by your power alone that I am saved--for eternity and for your purposes and glory here on this earth!
The "IF" statement makes me nostalgic for the IF conference we hosted at our church last year, and since I wasn't able to lead it again this year, it got dropped from the radar :(. It's happening in many, many places throughout the world all throughout the spring (livecast on Feb 9-10). Heck, I might just register and watch it from home... yes, I think I might! Anyone want to join me? Here's a little promo they put out last week... and the link to find out if one is happening in your neck of the woods... https://register.ifgathering.com/if-local. My house isn't listed on there... but seriously, let me know if you want to come over!
Almost time to find out about next phase of treatment
Almost time for mom and Bill to go home
Almost time for my hair to start growing back
Almost a month break from treatment
Almost time to get back into the swing of things... work, church, 'normal'
Almost cancer free...
It's hard to be in this place of almost, especially as I'm not feeling good from this last infusion of the carboplatin/taxol chemo cocktail I received on Tuesday. It's the last of the cocktail though, and now I just have 2 more taxol infusions, which don't take me down as hard typically. I was reminded this week that this last carbo cycle is the lowest I will go (in terms of feeling crummy and immune suppression), and even though the taxol will kind of keep my system 'down,' I will start building up from here. As soon as this carbo is out of my system, my hair will start growing back. As soon as I receive my last infusion (scheduled for Jan 29th), I don't see the oncologist again for another month. Almost done with this phase of treatment!
In the meantime, I see the radiologist at Stanford tomorrow to determine my needs for radiology. So, if you are praying with me through this, please pray that my case is not complicated and the dr will feel confident about referring me to a more local dr to receive treatment. I'm not sure yet what my procedure/schedule would be, but was told typical radiation is 5 days a week for 6 weeks... that is a LOT of time right there, thus the desire to have a good local option. There is a Stanford affliate radiologist in Turlock (about an hour and 15 mins away from home), and my oncologist was ready to send me straight there, but I insisted on meeting with the dr who sat on the Tumor Board and determined that radiation would be required for me before getting referred out. So, I get to meet with her tomorrow. My prayer is that the Dr. knows someone brilliant in Sonora who she is confident about referring me to, or that the Turlock dr is a really great option (it's easier in the system to stick with Stanford dr for the medical records and such). Almost time to learn about the next phase of treatment.
We are also preparing around here to send Mom and Bill back home... they have been here since Oct 15th--3 months!!! I can't even begin to describe the gratefulness I have for them. They have been such a support in so many ways, to try to list it all out would come up short. The plan is for them to roll out on Wednesday to start their trek back to Ohio... I am thankful that I am doing well enough that we all feel it is time for them to go, but man, we going to miss them. We have loved having them here--getting to attend all the kids programs, basketball games, awards assemblies, having them here for dinner every night and building puzzles and working on projects. It's going to be so quiet, and honestly probably a bit overwhelming for us how to figure out how to do this on our own again. Almost time to say goodbye still gives us a few days...
I am looking forward to the 'almost' of feeling like I can be 'normal' again--whatever normal means. What it means to me now is no nose bleeds every day, food tasting good again (especially bread!), no more numbing in my hands or feet (neuropathy--a typical side effect of this kind of chemo), being able to attend a friend's birthday party and Bible study, not having to drive down to the Bay Area weekly, being able to hug people, being able to go to church, not worrying about germs so much, being able to participate in our home remodel stuff, and being out of the chemo brain fog to see students at work again. The feeling of being productive is one I have missed. I know my 'productivity' now has to be internal--building my white blood cell counts, platelets, taking care to eat foods that have lots of protein and help my liver detox from all the meds, resting/sleeping... this is what keeps me moving forward in my treatment and allows my body to heal. Thankfully, with mom and Bill here, and Brian working as hard as he does, there has been a lot of activity around the house in terms of upkeep and forward progress, but I'm looking forward to getting my mind and hands back into it. Almost...
The last almost... cancer free... when I asked the doctor when I would get to hear those words and the response was "we will keep monitoring you," I had a bit of a melt down. Apparently my oncologist will not tell me I'm in remission or cancer free. I will get 'monitored' every 3 months after the active treatment phase is over. At each check-up, if they don't find cancer, then I'm free of cancer... for now. I can imagine this will be a bit of a nerve-racking experience each time I go for a check-up. This will be another way my faith and trust in God will have to have victory over my heart and mind.
The song playing in my heart over and over with this is "Only King Forever"... especially the lyrics: We bring our expectations, Our hope is anchored in Your Name, The Name of Jesus, Oh, we trust the Name of Jesus... and the chorus: You are the only King forever, Almighty God we lift You higher, You are the only King forever, Forevermore, You are victorious!
So... living in the almost phase right now... lots to be thankful for and lots to look forward to, with some tears, miles and struggle in between. So blessed to have your prayers, love and support along this journey with me.
It was amazing to have Christmas with my family and time off together over break. We've had some good family time, great visits with wonderful friends, productive time around the house, a fun New Year's celebration... and now reality hits today with Brian back to school, getting the kids ready to go back tomorrow, and me going down for another treatment tomorrow as well (only 5 more!!!!)
Sunset on 2017
Sunrise to start our new year!
As we say goodbye to 2017 (yea!) and HELLO to 2018, the message in my Bible reading and also my Facebook feed over and over is one of pairing TRUST and HOPE together.
This makes total sense to me... the only reason that I have the HOPE that I have is that I can rest in the TRUTH that God loves me, that God is good, and that God has this all worked out on my behalf--eternally and I believe even here on this earth. He's got a purpose for all things. Good, bad and hard. The hardest part of HOPE is to rest in that TRUTH and find peace with the process.
Psalm 31:19 & 24 tell me, "How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of meno on those who take refuge in you... Be strong and take heart, all you who HOPE in the Lord." That is me! I will be strong and take heart (be comforted) because I hope... because I have someone trustworth to hope in. I can see joy, and wonder, and healing because of hope.
Psalm 71:14 will be my theme verse for 2018...
But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.
