Complicated Emotions--my 4am thoughts

Inside Out by Disney Pixar has got to be one of my absolute favorite movies (and my kids watched it with me last week on our rainy day!) primarily because of the brilliance of the emotional intelligence it teaches behind the entertainment. They explain such complex emotions, what makes you you, and how your brain makes sense of life in such a simple way. Ethan was able to use this movie to explain what's been going on at school with a classmate--"He's got no Honesty Island, mom, he lies all the time." It has also helped me as I try to wrap my head around the complicated and layered emotions that this cancer diagnosis has been for me and my family (and all those I love)--the trials that bring the blessings, and creating lasting impressions of mixed emotions on my heart and soul.

Trial: more chemo, 2 infusions down, 10 more to go (weekly)

Blessing: time and connection with my cousins who live close to my appointments, this type doesn't seem as harsh as the last kind I had so far and don't have as much nausea--thank you, Lord!

Trial: needing help to maintain life for our children and home

Blessing: so many family and friends providing... getting to spend time with my family, and everyone finding out where our new house is when bringing meals or coming for a visit!

Trial: missing work (which I actually love and really miss!)

Blessing: being around home (and getting to watch those movies with my kids on a school day!), being able to work from home when I can, and not being so busy with life (and wondering how I actually used to do all of this?!?!?)

Trial: insomnia by chemo

Blessing: quiet time alone, today it was getting all these thoughts out and then reading for a couple hours (trying to get sleepy, to no avail) to finish an awesome book, Wonder, so now I can go see the movie that just came out! And then a couple good cups of coffee!!!

Trial: going through this terrible disease and treatment

Blessing: reconnecting with friends and making new ones (including lots of random people), being able to walk through this same journey with a couple friends going through it now, too, being aware of how much I am loved and cared for by so many, especially my Lord. 

There are so many more, but this encompasses the gist... I am (choosing) to be thankful for the blessings in this journey. It gives me so much hope and peace. If I focus on the trials, I drown. And there are so many things to be grateful for and so many ways it could be worse. Thank you, Lord, in this season of Thanksgiving, for the bounty your love provides... and how it spills out through others onto me. 💗

Just Be Held

I heard a new (to me) song today while driving alone (yeah... fewer pain meds these days means I can drive!) and I didn't even catch the beginning... but I loved it. It's by Casting Crowns and it's called Just Be Held. The lyrics hit me so close, and so powerfully, I just had to share so I can remember God's words to me today...

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
(Stop holding on and just be held)
Just be held, just be held
Just be held, just be held

Written by John Mark Hall, Matthew West, Bernie Herms • Copyright © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group, Capitol Christian Music Group

The Nitty Gritty

It's all good to focus on the positive and just report the wonderful things, but there is also a reality that is not so fortunate... it is cancer after all. I feel like I have finally come to grips with what the Tumor Board's decision for my treatment will be and understand it enough to report out.

Surgery recovery is going well... doctors are all positive about how things are healing up. I did develop a seroma (pocket of fluid, apparently common when lymph nodes get removed) in my left armpit area that was super uncomfortable (it felt like an egg under my arm). I was able to stay local to get that drained yesterday (40cc's of fluid!) and it was almost instant relief. Hopefully it will not refill... once created, the body can just see that as a place to collect fluid. I covet your prayers for that and for continued healing and comfort in regards to the surgical healing overall. I would love to be off of pain meds before I start back on anti-nausea meds...

While we were originally encouraged that only 1% of the cells in the tumor from the removed breast tissue were cancerous, it is now known that the remaining 1% is the 'worst' kind of breast cancer cells--called 'triple negative.' Originally, my cancer was hormone positive and HER2 negative, which means is was aggressive (the HER2- piece), but that it would respond well to hormone therapies and such. From breastcancer.org, the triple negative breast cancer (1) is often more aggressive than other types and (2) isn’t a good candidate for treatments such as hormonal therapy and Herceptin. But it can be treated with chemotherapy and radiation therapy, so that is what is on the schedule for me next. Still very thankful that pre-surgery chemo was very effective, but DARN THAT 1%!!!

I start chemo again on Nov 14, with a weekly schedule of Taxol cocktail-ed with 4 doses of Carboplatin each 21 days, for 12 weeks. I will have a port put in early on the 14th so I don't have to be poked with the IV each week and ruin all my veins with that nasty stuff and all the blood draws each week, and that port will stay in me until I'm done with chemo treatments. After chemo, I will be getting radiation, which my oncologist will refer me to the radiation dr to set up, but said it's usually 30 treatments within a 6 week period (read: each weekday for 6 weeks, yikes!). The good news is that my doctor is still talking 'cure' and not just subdue. 

So... we will continue. I never really felt right calling this a 'fight' before (all the 'warrior' and 'fight like a girl' things), but now I get it. I'm in a war against cancer for my life, and this daily battle to trust God with this, to willingly go in and get stuck with needles and inject (what seems like) poison into my veins, and to face the illness and pain that come with all of the procedures and medicine--these are battles I must face. Isaiah 12:2 was an encouragement today from a friend that puts to words what my heart is feeling:

Where HOPE reigns,

God Moments

• Soccer mom prior to surgery--Our daughter's had been on the same team all season, but in a God moment, she reached out to me and asked, "you're in treatment for breast cancer, too?" I had been struggling to wrap my head around surgery, what my doctors were saying to expect in recovery and the reality of what was coming. This angel mom had the same surgeon, same hospital, same procedure, and was willing to share the good, bad and ugly, let me ask all my questions and shared from her heart what she wished she would have known going in. She was a literal answer to prayer I couldn't have even known I needed.
• Vincent, the awesome pre-op nurse who made sure I was comfortable and taken care of while my surgery was delayed, and also advised us on how to ask for certain areas for recovery overnight while in the hospital so that I could be most comfortable and well cared for.
• Seeing Candice and Justin at Stanford as we were all in between appointments, getting to share stories, get updates and encourage each other that God's got both of us in His hands. Her smile and positivity was so refreshing and it was great to hug each other between these tough appointments.

• The Habitat for Humanity Restore having a french door and a brand new Pella window that will work perfectly for our playroom plans at a fraction of the price of new materials. Also scored some patio lounge chairs for a great deal!

I don't think the valets at Stanford were too excited to see our truck pull up for parking service!

• While at the Restore, in the restroom, a woman who is a breast cancer survivor struck up a conversation with me. She was diagnosed when she was 42, like me, and now 10 years later she is loving life and her newly reconstructed boobs (which she showed to me without hesitation--or really even me asking). This was oddly encouraging to me, because what I have going on now looks really, really horrible--and hers were great! I have heard people are really open about this kind of thing, but this was a first for me to experience it, and I thank the Lord that it was encouraging rather than just weird!
• Dr. Lee's (my plastic surgeon) nurse practitioner suggesting that we connect with Dr. Reid in Sonora, who actually studied with Dr. Lee at some point, to do the quick check ups and post-surgery stuff locally instead of driving down to the bay area for a 10 minute appointment. I had my first appointment with Dr. Reid last week and she is amazing! I am so glad to have someone local that will be a good resource for me and save us some time and gas for quick check-ups.
• The Sonora Police Department asking Brian and his class last spring to design pink inserts to raise money during October for breast cancer awareness month. Of course we had no idea of my own diagnosis at that time, and the officers were very sympathetic when Brian told them what was going on when he dropped the inserts off at the beginning of October. They stopped by Brian's classroom today (10/30/17) with a beautiful orchid plant and a card saying that they had donated all the money raised this year from those badge inserts to Susan B. Komen research on my behalf. Just awesome, and humbling, and awesome. 
  
  
   
• Puzzles, movies and down time with the kids and my mom. 
  
  
• Thankful that I felt well enough to walk around trick-or-treating with my kids and our huge crew this year!
  
• Another gift basket from my amazingly generous Columbia College family, delicious dinners from so many friends, visits and lunches with dear ones. My mom and Dad2 giving their lives to us right now in our time of need. Prayers, texts, facebook messages and posts, calls, cards in the mail (yes, real, written cards!!!), flowers, food, and sooo sooo much encouragement. 

So many things to be thankful for, to live for, and to love 💗💗💗