Check ups are good!

Just wanted to post the continued good news I have been receiving from my doctors, as many of you are continuing to pray for that for me!

Oncologist appointment on Sept 10th was just a physical exam, no CT scan or blood work, but everything checked out good. On Dec 10, we'll do another CT scan on my every 6 month cycle. I will continue on Tamoxifen (daily med) to keep estrogen from growing bad cells in my body, and with that, experience the lovely effects of menopause--hot flashes and all. I'll take that over chemo any day, so just learning how to best navigate it (like alcohol affects me even more and faster now, weight gain, stomach aches from the meds, etc.). I have finally been able to kick the nightly sleep aids, too. Chemo (maybe just cancer in general?) wreaks havoc on your sleep (I'm even part of a sleep therapy study for it), and I was so nervous to not use sleep aids (over the counter and melatonin) and not get good rest, as I am already so tired. However, I am getting fed up with taking all this medicine and just want my body to heal as much as I am in control, so I started weaning myself down a few weeks ago and the last week has been sleep med free. It's awesome to wake up less groggy and it feels better over all for sure... the sleep hasn't been as sound or as long most nights, but it'll get there!

Yesterday, my radiation doctor was most impressed by the way my skin is healing up. She was actually really surprised that it was this good this soon! The NP at my school has suggested some really great oils (rosehip oil for healing skin and scars) and salves (calendula for moisturizing) that I have been using, and apparently that has made the difference! Dr. Zaky said that it will really benefit my reconstruction surgery to have that skin all soft and pliable (skin that has been radiated tends to get stiff and leathery), so I will keep up the regiment, and I don't have to go back to see here until April 2019!

Getting in the groove with school schedules and regular stuff has been good. Kids are all doing well and enjoying their friends, church and school activities. (first day of school pics below)

  

Brian is hanging in there with his absolutely insane class schedule this year (he's teaching 4 sections of different classes within one period this year, plus 2 sections in another, plus 3 other class--ridiculous!). It's homecoming week at the high school right now, so he and Zeke have been having fun with dress up days and building the freshman float for the parade tomorrow.

I have been feeling so much better, here in the last couple weeks especially. I am still getting tired faster than I used to and my brain gets tired quicker, too, but I am learning it's okay to come home and cat nap and have the kids help with dinner. Work is awesome, I love meeting with students again, but it's super draining for me also, so learning to balance it all again. I got to go on a field trip with Ethan this week on a walking tour of Downtown Sonora--so fun to learn history of our own town. Also, last Saturday, I was asked to share my testimony about God's story working in mine at the Women's event at church. I probably ended up talking for way too long, but it was really neat to share how God has been working in my life - cancer and all the way up to it and through it - and hopefully be an encouragement to others shining God's HOPE in my story.

Coming up... next week I go down for a pre-op consult with my plastic surgeon for my reconstruction surgery, currently scheduled for Dec 20. During that procedure, I will also get my ovaries removed, so a consult with that dr will happen closer to the surgery date. (Merry Christmas!) So, continued prayers for that process and for doctors hands to be steady, sure and skilled! For scans to be clear!

Also, prayer for another dear sister just diagnosed last week. Praise for another who just got the beautiful word 'remission' from her oncologist. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month--make sure you are doing your self-checks and doctor visits... please BE AWARE!

The New Normal

It’s been awhile and so much has happened since my last update here. I finally feel like writing about it all, so this might be a long winded post… just a warning!

First, I had a clear CT scan on May 21, meaning that there is no evidence of cancer in my chest and abdomen (YAY!!!).  Remember I had been told before by my doctor that he wouldn’t say to me that I was cancer free or in remission… so the closest I get is him taking me out of the ‘active treatment’ phase and into maintenance phase… and I will take it!!!

What that means for me is checkups every 3 months with the oncologist, including CT scans every 6 months, and taking a daily med called Tamoxifen, which blocks the estrogen receptors from attaching to and feeding cancer cell growth. Apparently, my blood counts are still depressed, which is normal for about 6-12 months after chemo, and affects my energy level and still my immunity, but nothing like actually being on chemo. My left arm still has some stiffness from surgery and radiation, which I can work on with stretches and strength building. I got to have my port removed, and I have reconstructive surgery scheduled for Dec 17, which also hopefully includes the procedure to get my ovaries out. I also have to meet with my radiation oncologist in Turlock every 3-4 months (for about a year, I guess) to have her check on how my skin is healing up. And… in the midst of all this, I was also diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome on both wrists. I had signs before, but the chemo exacerbated the neuropathy in my hands, so it got much worse. I pretty much have numb hands every night during sleep, and they fall asleep regularly when I am actively doing something with my hands (riding a bike, driving, typing, etc). My chiropractor was able to help reduce the symptoms, which has been great, but we will have to deal with this sometime…

So happy that my hair is coming back—so far it is a bit darker than before and chemo curl is REAL. So so curly! They say it changes as the new hair grows out, but I am just so happy it decided to come back, I will take what I can get!

I got to be a counselor up at Hume Lake this summer with our church high schoolers. It was amazing to be at Hume again, and even more cool to be there with my own kids (and yes, Zeke is now taller than me and Brian!)! Exhausting, incredible and very fulfilling week!

So… my new normal… regular doctor appointments, daily pill, less energy and brain power than I used to have but still way better than when in treatment, lots of curly hair products, a deeper appreciation for the people I love and care about, less tolerance for the petty (this is a good and bad thing!), and a powerful recognition and thankfulness for the hope the Lord provided me in this journey through answered prayer, community, and the hold that he has on my heart.

Out of active treatment means a celebration!!! So many of you, my dear family and friends, came to help us celebrate this milestone at the end of June at an open house we called  the ‘kicked cancer’s butt’ party! It was awesome to feel well enough, exactly one year after receiving this diagnosis, to host and hug and talk and thank those who were able to be here (or those who wanted to be but couldn’t!). I can’t imagine what this year would have been like without the support we received, and in so many countless ways. We are so grateful, feel so loved, and can’t say THANK YOU enough!!! It was so awesome to BE with all of you that I didn’t take ONE picture—which is a bummer—but enjoying the moment was more than awesome. We also got to go white water rafting as a celebration with our guide friend, Derrick, which was a very special gift to us and our family to play and have FUN together.

Rafting on the South Fork of the American River, the Gorge Run

I have definitely appreciated the more ‘normal’ parts of life since being done with treatment… before summer, I went back to work on a pretty regular basis throughout May, and received tenure, which was a pretty cool career milestone! I was able to enjoy Emmy’s first season of volleyball and to go on a field trip to Yosemite with Ethan’s class. Zeke graduated from the 8^th grade and received some pretty awesome awards. We were thankful for summer break and working around the house, enjoying the swimming pool, and trying to recoup after a whirlwind year with a couple of fun family trips, some organization in the new house and prepping up for another busy school year (with one in high school!).

At Giovanni's in Morro Bay, soaking up the 60 degree weather!

School starts today for Zeke and Brian, tomorrow for Ethan and Emmy, and I started back at work last week. The new normal will be an interesting adjustment for us. I am so grateful that I am able to jump back into life, but it is definitely different. Hard to explain the dichotomy of feelings inside of me, but I have come to realize that life will be different from now on, even if most things appear normal. If I have to say no to ‘normal’ stuff, know that it is me, not you. I do not have the energy or cognitive function like I used to, but still the same requirements—with added logistics of doctor appointments, side effects of daily meds, and the hope living in the back of my mind for continued clear scans. I have to keep what I have to do a priority, instead of everything I want to do! I also have to figure out a way to incorporate exercise again to help with some of those side effects as well as just my good health. I am so thankful for the love and care that continues to surround me and my family, and want to continue to live in that place where the blessings are the focus, because there is MUCH to be grateful for.

So, the new normal… bring it!

Update on Radiation

My dear family, friends and prayer warriors,

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... only 2 more trips to Turlock for radiation therapy! My skin is so much very much not happy. Itchy, blistering, peeling--owie and yucky. My rad techs and doctor are completely awesome, and I will miss their daily encouragement and involvement in my treatment--though not the daily commute or damage to my skin. There is a bit of an 'after-burn' effect so my skin should start healing after next week. While wincing in pain, I am so very thankful that the technology and people exist that can fight this cancer beast. Every time I lay on that table I envision the game Galaga--and pray those rays are blasting those little bugger cancer cells out of my skin and body, and not letting one get by so we can move up to the next level!!!

There is definitely more to come. I have to get a cervical spine CT scan with contrast sometime this week because my hands are constantly going numb (including waking me up throughout the night) and we need to rule out badness going on. After an initial freak out when that order came in and some God-given insight by a friend, Brian and I truly believe that it is carpal tunnel symptoms coming back in full force. I was experiencing the same type of numbness throughout our move last year but it had dissipated with me not using my hands as much throughout all this treatment. However, I have been driving for about 3 hours and using my computer daily at work... plus the added side effects of the Taxol chemotherapy I had that causes neuropathy (numbness)... we are breathing a little easier going into the CT scan. Not that carpal tunnel is anything to snuff off, but we can handle that better than if something is wrong with my spine! So, prayers would be appreciated for that to get approved by insurance and the appointment made so we can get that taken care of asap, as well as a clear scan result.

My next check down at Stanford is on May 21, with a CT scan of my chest and abdomen to see if all the treatment we have been doing has prevented cancer from metastasizing anywhere else. This will be the appointment that either gives me the clear for the next 3 months or a new game plan. A second reconstructive surgery and removal of my ovaries are on the 6 month radar, but a clear scan to allow the healing process from treatment to begin. I, again, covet your prayers! 

Still, I am awed by the incredible love and support we are surrounded by. EVERY time I fill my gas tank, I'm using a gas card from one of our amazing co-workers. I was just the recipient of donated sick-leave at my work, allowing me 30 more paid sick days--and it was maxed out in under 48 hours once the solicitation email went out. SO incredible!!! Meals, rides to Turlock, calls, messages, care... what a gift to me and my family... we are so well loved. I look forward to the time when I can be that for someone else... now knowing how much each of these little (and big) things mean to someone going through the ringer. I'm walking through this fire with a couple of my friends in their own cancer battles, and while I do not wish this road on anyone, I am glad to be there with them, for them, and lifting them up in prayer constantly.

I also have to say that it has been good to feel more a part of things lately... We are talking about summer plans and funs ways to celebrate being done with treatment once I feel better. Emmy finished her volleyball season this past week and started track. Zeke is getting ready to graduate 8th grade and move up to high school. Going on school field trips with Ethan and thinking about end of the year gifts for teachers has been fun. Being able to attend church and going in to work most afternoons after radiation has been great. My hair is starting to grow out and I've even stopped wearing my hats everywhere. (In my radiation waiting room, there are always those rumor mill magazines, and apparently, this short hairstyle is gaining some runway popularity--who knew?) One of my eyebrows is choosing to take it's time coming back, but my eyelashes are almost all the way back, and I've had to start shaving my legs again (I do have to say that was nice to not do the last 8 months!). I've also been working to get my patio decked out with pretty plants and furniture so we are ready for tons of summer fun. Normal (almost) feels good! 

Now, just gotta get this skin healed up, get some sleep, and get a couple of clear scans... 💪

Update

A whole month since my last post... no wonder I have so many asking what is going on!

Radiation started this past week on Thursday. I was able to get the referral and feel confident with the Stanford Oncology Radiology clinic at Turlock's Emanuel Cancer Center, and that is where I am doing the treatment. I really like Dr. Zaky, nurse Sandy, Chris and David (who do the radiation), and Linda--the person who measured for my treatment and lives in Sonora :). I have 33 sessions total, which I will be doing daily Mon-Fri, so about 6 weeks or so of treatment. Each session will be about 12 minutes, and a little longer on Mondays when I have to check in with the doctor and Thursdays when they take x-rays. 

That is a lot of driving right there--it's about 1 hr and 15 mins each way (much preferred than the 3+ traffic hours to get to Stanford in Palo Alto, though!) Brian and I were debating if we should get a little commuter car or rent a car or invest in a hybrid instead of hauling my SUV up and down the hill... but decided it just wouldn't outweigh the fuel savings. We calculated the fuel cost to be right around $1000 for the entire length of treatment, including the couple trips I need to make to Stanford within the next 3 months for oncologist and plastic surgeon follow-ups. And then this happened... 

Brian texted me and said that he got an awesome gift from our Sonora High Family. And I also received yet another gift from our Columbia College Family. The love and support these two communities have shown for us has just been incredible, over and over. What gives me the goosebumps in particular this time around is that the gas cards and cash that were included in these gifts total just over $1000... um... isn't that what we had calculated we would need for all these trips (and hadn't shared with anyone)? There is even extra for lunches and a Starbucks here and there. And it's not just the financial part, either. It's the adorable handmade message board, the cards, the words of hope, faith, love and encouragement that are supplying what we need to keep up this fight, to know we are not alone and that there is something much bigger going on here than just a cancer battle. My kids are seeing the generosity and love. My husband is feeling supported and cared for. I am so amazed and humbled at how our needs are continually provided and it brings me such peace in knowing God has got me, us, in the midst of such challenge. As I treasure these gifts in my heart and wonder how I am so blessed... the Bible tells me so... 

And this time, he did it through our amazing co-workers and friends. Thank you just doesn't seem like enough!

Almost...

Almost done with chemo

Almost time to find out about next phase of treatment

Almost time for mom and Bill to go home

Almost time for my hair to start growing back

Almost a month break from treatment

Almost time to get back into the swing of things... work, church, 'normal' 

Almost cancer free...

It's hard to be in this place of almost, especially as I'm not feeling good from this last infusion of the carboplatin/taxol chemo cocktail I received on Tuesday. It's the last of the cocktail though, and now I just have 2 more taxol infusions, which don't take me down as hard typically. I was reminded this week that this last carbo cycle is the lowest I will go (in terms of feeling crummy and immune suppression), and even though the taxol will kind of keep my system 'down,' I will start building up from here. As soon as this carbo is out of my system, my hair will start growing back. As soon as I receive my last infusion (scheduled for Jan 29th), I don't see the oncologist again for another month. Almost done with this phase of treatment!

In the meantime, I see the radiologist at Stanford tomorrow to determine my needs for radiology. So, if you are praying with me through this, please pray that my case is not complicated and the dr will feel confident about referring me to a more local dr to receive treatment. I'm not sure yet what my procedure/schedule would be, but was told typical radiation is 5 days a week for 6 weeks... that is a LOT of time right there, thus the desire to have a good local option. There is a Stanford affliate radiologist in Turlock (about an hour and 15 mins away from home), and my oncologist was ready to send me straight there, but I insisted on meeting with the dr who sat on the Tumor Board and determined that radiation would be required for me before getting referred out. So, I get to meet with her tomorrow. My prayer is that the Dr. knows someone brilliant in Sonora who she is confident about referring me to, or that the Turlock dr is a really great option (it's easier in the system to stick with Stanford dr for the medical records and such). Almost time to learn about the next phase of treatment.

We are also preparing around here to send Mom and Bill back home... they have been here since Oct 15th--3 months!!! I can't even begin to describe the gratefulness I have for them. They have been such a support in so many ways, to try to list it all out would come up short. The plan is for them to roll out on Wednesday to start their trek back to Ohio... I am thankful that I am doing well enough that we all feel it is time for them to go, but man, we going to miss them. We have loved having them here--getting to attend all the kids programs, basketball games, awards assemblies, having them here for dinner every night and building puzzles and working on projects. It's going to be so quiet, and honestly probably a bit overwhelming for us how to figure out how to do this on our own again. Almost time to say goodbye still gives us a few days...

I am looking forward to the 'almost' of feeling like I can be 'normal' again--whatever normal means. What it means to me now is no nose bleeds every day, food tasting good again (especially bread!), no more numbing in my hands or feet (neuropathy--a typical side effect of this kind of chemo), being able to attend a friend's birthday party and Bible study, not having to drive down to the Bay Area weekly, being able to hug people, being able to go to church, not worrying about germs so much, being able to participate in our home remodel stuff, and being out of the chemo brain fog to see students at work again. The feeling of being productive is one I have missed. I know my 'productivity' now has to be internal--building my white blood cell counts, platelets, taking care to eat foods that have lots of protein and help my liver detox from all the meds, resting/sleeping... this is what keeps me moving forward in my treatment and allows my body to heal. Thankfully, with mom and Bill here, and Brian working as hard as he does, there has been a lot of activity around the house in terms of upkeep and forward progress, but I'm looking forward to getting my mind and hands back into it. Almost...

The last almost... cancer free... when I asked the doctor when I would get to hear those words and the response was "we will keep monitoring you," I had a bit of a melt down. Apparently my oncologist will not tell me I'm in remission or cancer free. I will get 'monitored' every 3 months after the active treatment phase is over. At each check-up, if they don't find cancer, then I'm free of cancer... for now. I can imagine this will be a bit of a nerve-racking experience each time I go for a check-up. This will be another way my faith and trust in God will have to have victory over my heart and mind. 

The song playing in my heart over and over with this is "Only King Forever"... especially the lyrics: We bring our expectations, Our hope is anchored in Your Name, The Name of Jesus, Oh, we trust the Name of Jesus... and the chorus: You are the only King forever, Almighty God we lift You higher, You are the only King forever, Forevermore, You are victorious!

So... living in the almost phase right now... lots to be thankful for and lots to look forward to, with some tears, miles and struggle in between. So blessed to have your prayers, love and support along this journey with me.

Hello 2018

Favorite family photo of 2017!

It was amazing to have Christmas with my family and time off together over break. We've had some good family time, great visits with wonderful friends, productive time around the house, a fun New Year's celebration... and now reality hits today with Brian back to school, getting the kids ready to go back tomorrow, and me going down for another treatment tomorrow as well (only 5 more!!!!)

Sunset on 2017

Sunrise to start our new year!

As we say goodbye to 2017 (yea!) and HELLO to 2018, the message in my Bible reading and also my Facebook feed over and over is one of pairing TRUST and HOPE together.

This makes total sense to me... the only reason that I have the HOPE that I have is that I can rest in the TRUTH that God loves me, that God is good, and that God has this all worked out on my behalf--eternally and I believe even here on this earth. He's got a purpose for all things. Good, bad and hard. The hardest part of HOPE is to rest in that TRUTH and find peace with the process.

Psalm 31:19 & 24 tell me, "How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of meno on those who take refuge in you... Be strong and take heart, all you who HOPE in the Lord." That is me! I will be strong and take heart (be comforted) because I hope... because I have someone trustworth to hope in. I can see joy, and wonder, and healing because of hope.

Psalm 71:14 will be my theme verse for 2018... 

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

December update

Many of you have asked me to update the blog... and I see now that it has been a few weeks. I guess I just have felt like not much has changed in terms of news, so there hasn't been much to say... but I definitely need the prayer covering and feel like this is the best way to keep up on those targeted prayer requests, so an update it is :).

I just finished my 4th infusion of this 2nd round of chemo... 8 more to go. I go each week (usually Mondays) for the chemo called Taxol (12 total of this kind). Then every third week, they cocktail it with the chemo called Carboplatin (4 total of this kind). The simple terms that my dr used to explain things to me were that the Taxol is the clean up crew from the original pathology of my tumor (the hormone positive stuff) and the Carboplatin is the attack guns for the new pathology that came from my tumor out of surgery (the triple negative stuff). After chemo, I will be referred to a radiation doctor to determine my schedule and needs for that, but they said standard procedure is 6 weeks--but on hold there till I get closer to the end of January and finish chemo (last infusion is scheduled for January 29). 

So far, this cocktail of chemo hasn't been as bad as the AC chemo was for me. The side effects are a bit different, and they have started--bone and joint pain, restless leg, nose bleeds, dry mouth and mouth sores, insomnia, 'chemo brain', and the carbo brings nausea on, too. I've also started losing my hair again (being off chemo for 8 weeks around surgery brought back quite the head of fuzz!). They say it will get harder as it builds up more, but I am so thankful in the meantime that it's not as bad. So far my blood counts haven't been too low, I have been able to start Physical Therapy to help with arm and shoulder mobility from surgery, I have gone to work a few days, I was able to enjoy Thanksgiving, was able to decorate the house for Christmas and even am mostly done with Christmas shopping (thank you, Amazon!). 

I think one of my specific prayer requests would be to heap portions of blessing on my mom and Bill, who are giving their lives to us right now. They are living here (in their trailer), and have been since Oct 15th just before surgery, and taking care of all our needs--cooking, driving, kid stuff, taking me to appointments, working on our house, honey-do-lists, everything--so that I can focus on healing and what I can do and Brian can take care of work and do what he needs to do. What a gift. It's also been awesome to have them around for the kids--just getting to spend time with these wonderful grandparents that we usually don't get to see very much--has been so wonderful.

Another specific prayer request would be for me in this chemo process, not only that it is effective and I can handle it well, but I have noticed I've developed a 'Sunday anxiety' issue. Having chemo each Monday, I feel like Sundays are this day of dread heading into it and I get nauseous, foggy headed, and super emotional. I haven't been able to go to church because of the immunity factors, and as much as I miss my friends and community there- I don't really want to see anyone on Sundays because of the way I'm feeling. When I'm in that state, all I want to do is take a long hot shower and lay in my bed and do nothing... which is not helpful in beating any kind of anxiety... just exacerbates it! So... I would love prayer to overcome this and choose to take that time (while my family is at church) to listen to the previous weeks sermon online, read my bible and take in God's words and truth that keep me connected to him and my amazing church community. That seems like the thing to do to help beat that funky feeling, while still having that time on my own to process and gear up for that infusion. So, the prayer there is that I will choose the thing I know is good for my heart and soul, even when I don't feel like it. It's like waking up early for exercise (which is another thing I need to do--exercise!)--hard to do, but know it's what you need and feel so much better when you do. Yep... that is what needs to happen...

Otherwise, prayers for my kids, my husband, my doctors, the traffic to and from Stanford, our cars to stay good, continued healing from surgery, the house remodel process (lots of work happening out in the garage area, HVAC and electrical in the next couple of weeks), and as of today... my family in Ventura and the raging fire down there. Thank you all so much for your continued support, prayers, gifts, food and love... just love pouring down on us.

Complicated Emotions--my 4am thoughts

Inside Out by Disney Pixar has got to be one of my absolute favorite movies (and my kids watched it with me last week on our rainy day!) primarily because of the brilliance of the emotional intelligence it teaches behind the entertainment. They explain such complex emotions, what makes you you, and how your brain makes sense of life in such a simple way. Ethan was able to use this movie to explain what's been going on at school with a classmate--"He's got no Honesty Island, mom, he lies all the time." It has also helped me as I try to wrap my head around the complicated and layered emotions that this cancer diagnosis has been for me and my family (and all those I love)--the trials that bring the blessings, and creating lasting impressions of mixed emotions on my heart and soul.

Trial: more chemo, 2 infusions down, 10 more to go (weekly)

Blessing: time and connection with my cousins who live close to my appointments, this type doesn't seem as harsh as the last kind I had so far and don't have as much nausea--thank you, Lord!

Trial: needing help to maintain life for our children and home

Blessing: so many family and friends providing... getting to spend time with my family, and everyone finding out where our new house is when bringing meals or coming for a visit!

Trial: missing work (which I actually love and really miss!)

Blessing: being around home (and getting to watch those movies with my kids on a school day!), being able to work from home when I can, and not being so busy with life (and wondering how I actually used to do all of this?!?!?)

Trial: insomnia by chemo

Blessing: quiet time alone, today it was getting all these thoughts out and then reading for a couple hours (trying to get sleepy, to no avail) to finish an awesome book, Wonder, so now I can go see the movie that just came out! And then a couple good cups of coffee!!!

Trial: going through this terrible disease and treatment

Blessing: reconnecting with friends and making new ones (including lots of random people), being able to walk through this same journey with a couple friends going through it now, too, being aware of how much I am loved and cared for by so many, especially my Lord. 

There are so many more, but this encompasses the gist... I am (choosing) to be thankful for the blessings in this journey. It gives me so much hope and peace. If I focus on the trials, I drown. And there are so many things to be grateful for and so many ways it could be worse. Thank you, Lord, in this season of Thanksgiving, for the bounty your love provides... and how it spills out through others onto me. 💗

Just Be Held

I heard a new (to me) song today while driving alone (yeah... fewer pain meds these days means I can drive!) and I didn't even catch the beginning... but I loved it. It's by Casting Crowns and it's called Just Be Held. The lyrics hit me so close, and so powerfully, I just had to share so I can remember God's words to me today...

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
(Stop holding on and just be held)
Just be held, just be held
Just be held, just be held

Written by John Mark Hall, Matthew West, Bernie Herms • Copyright © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group, Capitol Christian Music Group

God Moments

• Soccer mom prior to surgery--Our daughter's had been on the same team all season, but in a God moment, she reached out to me and asked, "you're in treatment for breast cancer, too?" I had been struggling to wrap my head around surgery, what my doctors were saying to expect in recovery and the reality of what was coming. This angel mom had the same surgeon, same hospital, same procedure, and was willing to share the good, bad and ugly, let me ask all my questions and shared from her heart what she wished she would have known going in. She was a literal answer to prayer I couldn't have even known I needed.
• Vincent, the awesome pre-op nurse who made sure I was comfortable and taken care of while my surgery was delayed, and also advised us on how to ask for certain areas for recovery overnight while in the hospital so that I could be most comfortable and well cared for.
• Seeing Candice and Justin at Stanford as we were all in between appointments, getting to share stories, get updates and encourage each other that God's got both of us in His hands. Her smile and positivity was so refreshing and it was great to hug each other between these tough appointments.

• The Habitat for Humanity Restore having a french door and a brand new Pella window that will work perfectly for our playroom plans at a fraction of the price of new materials. Also scored some patio lounge chairs for a great deal!

I don't think the valets at Stanford were too excited to see our truck pull up for parking service!

• While at the Restore, in the restroom, a woman who is a breast cancer survivor struck up a conversation with me. She was diagnosed when she was 42, like me, and now 10 years later she is loving life and her newly reconstructed boobs (which she showed to me without hesitation--or really even me asking). This was oddly encouraging to me, because what I have going on now looks really, really horrible--and hers were great! I have heard people are really open about this kind of thing, but this was a first for me to experience it, and I thank the Lord that it was encouraging rather than just weird!
• Dr. Lee's (my plastic surgeon) nurse practitioner suggesting that we connect with Dr. Reid in Sonora, who actually studied with Dr. Lee at some point, to do the quick check ups and post-surgery stuff locally instead of driving down to the bay area for a 10 minute appointment. I had my first appointment with Dr. Reid last week and she is amazing! I am so glad to have someone local that will be a good resource for me and save us some time and gas for quick check-ups.
• The Sonora Police Department asking Brian and his class last spring to design pink inserts to raise money during October for breast cancer awareness month. Of course we had no idea of my own diagnosis at that time, and the officers were very sympathetic when Brian told them what was going on when he dropped the inserts off at the beginning of October. They stopped by Brian's classroom today (10/30/17) with a beautiful orchid plant and a card saying that they had donated all the money raised this year from those badge inserts to Susan B. Komen research on my behalf. Just awesome, and humbling, and awesome. 
  
  
   
• Puzzles, movies and down time with the kids and my mom. 
  
  
• Thankful that I felt well enough to walk around trick-or-treating with my kids and our huge crew this year!
  
• Another gift basket from my amazingly generous Columbia College family, delicious dinners from so many friends, visits and lunches with dear ones. My mom and Dad2 giving their lives to us right now in our time of need. Prayers, texts, facebook messages and posts, calls, cards in the mail (yes, real, written cards!!!), flowers, food, and sooo sooo much encouragement. 

So many things to be thankful for, to live for, and to love 💗💗💗

Post Surgery Update

It's taken me much longer than I thought it would to put words together enough to update here. I don't know why, other than the pain med fog I've been in or that I just haven't wanted to do much of anything, but I have appreciated the individual texts, visits and questions in the meantime checking in on me and making me (and my family) feel very loved and supported.

I had my post op appts this week, so we know now beyond 'surgery went well'... the short version is that pathology came back 99% clear of cancer cells (a good result for them is 95%--so we beat that!). Also, out of the 8 lymph nodes they took out and tested, 6 were completely clear and 2 were cleared by 'evidence of treatment' (again, the chemo worked!). My doctors are taking the pathology (all the slides and evidence from surgery) to the 'Tumor Board,' which happens today, and all the smart people together in the same room come up with the best treatment plan moving forward. My oncologist has already anticipated another round of chemo (darn that 1%) called Taxol, which is a weekly IV dose but apparently isn't as harsh as the first kind I received, and that is scheduled to start Nov 14th. The tumor board is going to be looking at whether or not radiation will be recommended after that... so specific prayer request is that it will not be!

My ovaries and tubes are still intact--short version is that the 3rd surgeon responsible for that part had the flu. The silver lining is menopause is delayed for now... but we'll just schedule that procedure with the 2nd phase of breast reconstruction after everything else is done.

Which brings me to recovery... not going to lie... this hurts. It's been a week and a few days and I finally am starting to feel like a truck is not constantly resting on my chest. The pain meds have been working well and I have been sleeping a lot. These last few days, I've been able to back off of them, intermixing tylenol instead of just the big guns, which is good because it helps me not be so out of it, as well as means that I'm not in such pain that we can adjust things down. These drains they put in are a total pain--literally they hurt but they are so annoying! I was able to get 2 of the 4 out while I was down there on Wed... hoping these others can come out soon. A praise is that my surgeon provided a referral to one up here in Sonora that can help take these drains out and do a couple of the minor check ups in between now and when I go back down to start chemo. Prayer requests for that would be that all the orders come through and I can get scheduled easily for next week.

Other than that, I am definitely appreciating my husband and all the time he is taking from work to be with me in hospitals and doctor offices, my mom and Dad2's help around here in keeping the house and the kids functioning, as well as Bill doing a ton of work in the garages for Brian! The meals and the friends and gifts have been so encouraging and supportive... we are so thankful. I'm pretty sure I mention this almost every time I post something, but I can literally feel the prayers and support you all are providing in terms of the peace from God that calms my heart and mind. There have been so many 'God moments' and answers to prayers in this process that I look forward to sharing in a future post... but now, it's time for a nap. :)

Love to you all, 

Surgery is scheduled

Surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, October 17. Brian and I will go down the night before, check in is at 8:30am with the procedure to follow. They say it'll be about a 3-4 hour surgery, with a 24-hour watch afterward, so overnight in the hospital and home the next day, if all goes as planned 🙏.

So thankful that my mom and Dad2 are going to come and stay with us during this time... to be with the kids while we are gone and at the post-op appointments to follow, to help me in recovery, and help us keep our house functioning so Brian can work and kids can feel as normal as possible while I am down. So, so thankful.

Also thankful for all the help being offered from our wonderful friends, co-workers, and church family. The support on this journey has been incredible... the delicious home-cooked organic meals and freezer meals, the rides for our kids, the eggs and fresh produce from farms/gardens, the help around the house, the cards and gifts that are show up regularly... just an amazing blessing to both Brian and I. We are so encouraged by everyone around us, it helps us to think on our blessings instead of the burdens in this tough time. Thank you!

My Bible study book brought me to Chapter 4 in Philippians this morning, and it was impeccable timing for me and what my heart needed as I brace myself for this surgery (this is what I think it means about the Bible being a 'living word'--speaks truth where needed and when needed if you are open to it!). Here's what Wiersbe (author of the study, Be Joyful) had to say, "Chapter 4 (of Philippians) describes the spiritual resources the believer has in Christ: God's peace (vs 1-9), God's power (vs 10-13), and God's provision (vs 14-23). With resources like these, why should we worry? We have the peace of God to guard us (vs 7), guide us (vs 9), come to us when we practice right praying (vs 6-7), right thinking (vs 8), and right living (vs 9)-- God's secret victory over all worry!"

Gonna hold on to this one with everything I've got for the next few weeks!!!

Family Saturday Adventures!

Chemo treatment starts Tuesday, so we decided a family get-away was in store for today since we don't know what the next few months will be like for us. We road-tripped it over the gorgeous Sonora Pass and made our first trip to Bodie, the historic gold-rush ghost town. We had a wonderful day with great views and fun adventures. Here's to more of that!!!