Update on Radiation

My dear family, friends and prayer warriors,

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... only 2 more trips to Turlock for radiation therapy! My skin is so much very much not happy. Itchy, blistering, peeling--owie and yucky. My rad techs and doctor are completely awesome, and I will miss their daily encouragement and involvement in my treatment--though not the daily commute or damage to my skin. There is a bit of an 'after-burn' effect so my skin should start healing after next week. While wincing in pain, I am so very thankful that the technology and people exist that can fight this cancer beast. Every time I lay on that table I envision the game Galaga--and pray those rays are blasting those little bugger cancer cells out of my skin and body, and not letting one get by so we can move up to the next level!!!

There is definitely more to come. I have to get a cervical spine CT scan with contrast sometime this week because my hands are constantly going numb (including waking me up throughout the night) and we need to rule out badness going on. After an initial freak out when that order came in and some God-given insight by a friend, Brian and I truly believe that it is carpal tunnel symptoms coming back in full force. I was experiencing the same type of numbness throughout our move last year but it had dissipated with me not using my hands as much throughout all this treatment. However, I have been driving for about 3 hours and using my computer daily at work... plus the added side effects of the Taxol chemotherapy I had that causes neuropathy (numbness)... we are breathing a little easier going into the CT scan. Not that carpal tunnel is anything to snuff off, but we can handle that better than if something is wrong with my spine! So, prayers would be appreciated for that to get approved by insurance and the appointment made so we can get that taken care of asap, as well as a clear scan result.

My next check down at Stanford is on May 21, with a CT scan of my chest and abdomen to see if all the treatment we have been doing has prevented cancer from metastasizing anywhere else. This will be the appointment that either gives me the clear for the next 3 months or a new game plan. A second reconstructive surgery and removal of my ovaries are on the 6 month radar, but a clear scan to allow the healing process from treatment to begin. I, again, covet your prayers! 

Still, I am awed by the incredible love and support we are surrounded by. EVERY time I fill my gas tank, I'm using a gas card from one of our amazing co-workers. I was just the recipient of donated sick-leave at my work, allowing me 30 more paid sick days--and it was maxed out in under 48 hours once the solicitation email went out. SO incredible!!! Meals, rides to Turlock, calls, messages, care... what a gift to me and my family... we are so well loved. I look forward to the time when I can be that for someone else... now knowing how much each of these little (and big) things mean to someone going through the ringer. I'm walking through this fire with a couple of my friends in their own cancer battles, and while I do not wish this road on anyone, I am glad to be there with them, for them, and lifting them up in prayer constantly.

I also have to say that it has been good to feel more a part of things lately... We are talking about summer plans and funs ways to celebrate being done with treatment once I feel better. Emmy finished her volleyball season this past week and started track. Zeke is getting ready to graduate 8th grade and move up to high school. Going on school field trips with Ethan and thinking about end of the year gifts for teachers has been fun. Being able to attend church and going in to work most afternoons after radiation has been great. My hair is starting to grow out and I've even stopped wearing my hats everywhere. (In my radiation waiting room, there are always those rumor mill magazines, and apparently, this short hairstyle is gaining some runway popularity--who knew?) One of my eyebrows is choosing to take it's time coming back, but my eyelashes are almost all the way back, and I've had to start shaving my legs again (I do have to say that was nice to not do the last 8 months!). I've also been working to get my patio decked out with pretty plants and furniture so we are ready for tons of summer fun. Normal (almost) feels good! 

Now, just gotta get this skin healed up, get some sleep, and get a couple of clear scans... 💪

Chemo is DONE!

Yesterday, going into my last infusion, I opened my Bible for my 'HOPE' verse of the day. I was brought to the story in Mark 9 about the father who brought his demon possessed son to Jesus and the dialogue went something like this: 

And in the next verses, Jesus delivers the boy by driving out the evil spirit.

The commentary in my study Bible expanded on these verses: "The question was not whether Jesus had the power to heal the boy but whether the father had faith to believe it. A person who truly believes will set no limits on what God can do (vs.23)," and "Since faith is never perfect, belief and unbelief are often mixed (vs.24).

These verses really resonate with me in this season of my life.

I have felt during this whole cancer journey--that the Lord CAN heal me completely--I truly believe that he can... and yet I still get all the doctors and treatments. People have questioned me on both sides of this coin. I kinda feel like it's that story of the drowning man...

I feel like God provides me help through the amazing doctors, technology and science behind cancer research... chemo the rowboat, surgery the motorboat, and radiation the helicopter... to be 'saved' from this terrible diagnosis and I'm taking every opportunity he's providing me. I struggle with the unbelief/belief, and I am so thankful that Jesus is one who meets me where I am (and where this father was). Jesus allows for the raw honesty, and had mercy for the "if" statement. IF God is real, then... EVERYTHING is possible for Him who believes... the reason for my HOPE! Lord, please help me to know it is by your power alone that I am saved--for eternity and for your purposes and glory here on this earth!

The "IF" statement makes me nostalgic for the IF conference we hosted at our church last year, and since I wasn't able to lead it again this year, it got dropped from the radar :(. It's happening in many, many places throughout the world all throughout the spring (livecast on Feb 9-10). Heck, I might just register and watch it from home... yes, I think I might! Anyone want to join me? Here's a little promo they put out last week...  and the link to find out if one is happening in your neck of the woods... https://register.ifgathering.com/if-local. My house isn't listed on there... but seriously, let me know if you want to come over! 

Complicated Emotions--my 4am thoughts

Inside Out by Disney Pixar has got to be one of my absolute favorite movies (and my kids watched it with me last week on our rainy day!) primarily because of the brilliance of the emotional intelligence it teaches behind the entertainment. They explain such complex emotions, what makes you you, and how your brain makes sense of life in such a simple way. Ethan was able to use this movie to explain what's been going on at school with a classmate--"He's got no Honesty Island, mom, he lies all the time." It has also helped me as I try to wrap my head around the complicated and layered emotions that this cancer diagnosis has been for me and my family (and all those I love)--the trials that bring the blessings, and creating lasting impressions of mixed emotions on my heart and soul.

Trial: more chemo, 2 infusions down, 10 more to go (weekly)

Blessing: time and connection with my cousins who live close to my appointments, this type doesn't seem as harsh as the last kind I had so far and don't have as much nausea--thank you, Lord!

Trial: needing help to maintain life for our children and home

Blessing: so many family and friends providing... getting to spend time with my family, and everyone finding out where our new house is when bringing meals or coming for a visit!

Trial: missing work (which I actually love and really miss!)

Blessing: being around home (and getting to watch those movies with my kids on a school day!), being able to work from home when I can, and not being so busy with life (and wondering how I actually used to do all of this?!?!?)

Trial: insomnia by chemo

Blessing: quiet time alone, today it was getting all these thoughts out and then reading for a couple hours (trying to get sleepy, to no avail) to finish an awesome book, Wonder, so now I can go see the movie that just came out! And then a couple good cups of coffee!!!

Trial: going through this terrible disease and treatment

Blessing: reconnecting with friends and making new ones (including lots of random people), being able to walk through this same journey with a couple friends going through it now, too, being aware of how much I am loved and cared for by so many, especially my Lord. 

There are so many more, but this encompasses the gist... I am (choosing) to be thankful for the blessings in this journey. It gives me so much hope and peace. If I focus on the trials, I drown. And there are so many things to be grateful for and so many ways it could be worse. Thank you, Lord, in this season of Thanksgiving, for the bounty your love provides... and how it spills out through others onto me. 💗

The Nitty Gritty

It's all good to focus on the positive and just report the wonderful things, but there is also a reality that is not so fortunate... it is cancer after all. I feel like I have finally come to grips with what the Tumor Board's decision for my treatment will be and understand it enough to report out.

Surgery recovery is going well... doctors are all positive about how things are healing up. I did develop a seroma (pocket of fluid, apparently common when lymph nodes get removed) in my left armpit area that was super uncomfortable (it felt like an egg under my arm). I was able to stay local to get that drained yesterday (40cc's of fluid!) and it was almost instant relief. Hopefully it will not refill... once created, the body can just see that as a place to collect fluid. I covet your prayers for that and for continued healing and comfort in regards to the surgical healing overall. I would love to be off of pain meds before I start back on anti-nausea meds...

While we were originally encouraged that only 1% of the cells in the tumor from the removed breast tissue were cancerous, it is now known that the remaining 1% is the 'worst' kind of breast cancer cells--called 'triple negative.' Originally, my cancer was hormone positive and HER2 negative, which means is was aggressive (the HER2- piece), but that it would respond well to hormone therapies and such. From breastcancer.org, the triple negative breast cancer (1) is often more aggressive than other types and (2) isn’t a good candidate for treatments such as hormonal therapy and Herceptin. But it can be treated with chemotherapy and radiation therapy, so that is what is on the schedule for me next. Still very thankful that pre-surgery chemo was very effective, but DARN THAT 1%!!!

I start chemo again on Nov 14, with a weekly schedule of Taxol cocktail-ed with 4 doses of Carboplatin each 21 days, for 12 weeks. I will have a port put in early on the 14th so I don't have to be poked with the IV each week and ruin all my veins with that nasty stuff and all the blood draws each week, and that port will stay in me until I'm done with chemo treatments. After chemo, I will be getting radiation, which my oncologist will refer me to the radiation dr to set up, but said it's usually 30 treatments within a 6 week period (read: each weekday for 6 weeks, yikes!). The good news is that my doctor is still talking 'cure' and not just subdue. 

So... we will continue. I never really felt right calling this a 'fight' before (all the 'warrior' and 'fight like a girl' things), but now I get it. I'm in a war against cancer for my life, and this daily battle to trust God with this, to willingly go in and get stuck with needles and inject (what seems like) poison into my veins, and to face the illness and pain that come with all of the procedures and medicine--these are battles I must face. Isaiah 12:2 was an encouragement today from a friend that puts to words what my heart is feeling:

Where HOPE reigns,

God Moments

• Soccer mom prior to surgery--Our daughter's had been on the same team all season, but in a God moment, she reached out to me and asked, "you're in treatment for breast cancer, too?" I had been struggling to wrap my head around surgery, what my doctors were saying to expect in recovery and the reality of what was coming. This angel mom had the same surgeon, same hospital, same procedure, and was willing to share the good, bad and ugly, let me ask all my questions and shared from her heart what she wished she would have known going in. She was a literal answer to prayer I couldn't have even known I needed.
• Vincent, the awesome pre-op nurse who made sure I was comfortable and taken care of while my surgery was delayed, and also advised us on how to ask for certain areas for recovery overnight while in the hospital so that I could be most comfortable and well cared for.
• Seeing Candice and Justin at Stanford as we were all in between appointments, getting to share stories, get updates and encourage each other that God's got both of us in His hands. Her smile and positivity was so refreshing and it was great to hug each other between these tough appointments.

• The Habitat for Humanity Restore having a french door and a brand new Pella window that will work perfectly for our playroom plans at a fraction of the price of new materials. Also scored some patio lounge chairs for a great deal!

I don't think the valets at Stanford were too excited to see our truck pull up for parking service!

• While at the Restore, in the restroom, a woman who is a breast cancer survivor struck up a conversation with me. She was diagnosed when she was 42, like me, and now 10 years later she is loving life and her newly reconstructed boobs (which she showed to me without hesitation--or really even me asking). This was oddly encouraging to me, because what I have going on now looks really, really horrible--and hers were great! I have heard people are really open about this kind of thing, but this was a first for me to experience it, and I thank the Lord that it was encouraging rather than just weird!
• Dr. Lee's (my plastic surgeon) nurse practitioner suggesting that we connect with Dr. Reid in Sonora, who actually studied with Dr. Lee at some point, to do the quick check ups and post-surgery stuff locally instead of driving down to the bay area for a 10 minute appointment. I had my first appointment with Dr. Reid last week and she is amazing! I am so glad to have someone local that will be a good resource for me and save us some time and gas for quick check-ups.
• The Sonora Police Department asking Brian and his class last spring to design pink inserts to raise money during October for breast cancer awareness month. Of course we had no idea of my own diagnosis at that time, and the officers were very sympathetic when Brian told them what was going on when he dropped the inserts off at the beginning of October. They stopped by Brian's classroom today (10/30/17) with a beautiful orchid plant and a card saying that they had donated all the money raised this year from those badge inserts to Susan B. Komen research on my behalf. Just awesome, and humbling, and awesome. 
  
  
   
• Puzzles, movies and down time with the kids and my mom. 
  
  
• Thankful that I felt well enough to walk around trick-or-treating with my kids and our huge crew this year!
  
• Another gift basket from my amazingly generous Columbia College family, delicious dinners from so many friends, visits and lunches with dear ones. My mom and Dad2 giving their lives to us right now in our time of need. Prayers, texts, facebook messages and posts, calls, cards in the mail (yes, real, written cards!!!), flowers, food, and sooo sooo much encouragement. 

So many things to be thankful for, to live for, and to love 💗💗💗

Post Surgery Update

It's taken me much longer than I thought it would to put words together enough to update here. I don't know why, other than the pain med fog I've been in or that I just haven't wanted to do much of anything, but I have appreciated the individual texts, visits and questions in the meantime checking in on me and making me (and my family) feel very loved and supported.

I had my post op appts this week, so we know now beyond 'surgery went well'... the short version is that pathology came back 99% clear of cancer cells (a good result for them is 95%--so we beat that!). Also, out of the 8 lymph nodes they took out and tested, 6 were completely clear and 2 were cleared by 'evidence of treatment' (again, the chemo worked!). My doctors are taking the pathology (all the slides and evidence from surgery) to the 'Tumor Board,' which happens today, and all the smart people together in the same room come up with the best treatment plan moving forward. My oncologist has already anticipated another round of chemo (darn that 1%) called Taxol, which is a weekly IV dose but apparently isn't as harsh as the first kind I received, and that is scheduled to start Nov 14th. The tumor board is going to be looking at whether or not radiation will be recommended after that... so specific prayer request is that it will not be!

My ovaries and tubes are still intact--short version is that the 3rd surgeon responsible for that part had the flu. The silver lining is menopause is delayed for now... but we'll just schedule that procedure with the 2nd phase of breast reconstruction after everything else is done.

Which brings me to recovery... not going to lie... this hurts. It's been a week and a few days and I finally am starting to feel like a truck is not constantly resting on my chest. The pain meds have been working well and I have been sleeping a lot. These last few days, I've been able to back off of them, intermixing tylenol instead of just the big guns, which is good because it helps me not be so out of it, as well as means that I'm not in such pain that we can adjust things down. These drains they put in are a total pain--literally they hurt but they are so annoying! I was able to get 2 of the 4 out while I was down there on Wed... hoping these others can come out soon. A praise is that my surgeon provided a referral to one up here in Sonora that can help take these drains out and do a couple of the minor check ups in between now and when I go back down to start chemo. Prayer requests for that would be that all the orders come through and I can get scheduled easily for next week.

Other than that, I am definitely appreciating my husband and all the time he is taking from work to be with me in hospitals and doctor offices, my mom and Dad2's help around here in keeping the house and the kids functioning, as well as Bill doing a ton of work in the garages for Brian! The meals and the friends and gifts have been so encouraging and supportive... we are so thankful. I'm pretty sure I mention this almost every time I post something, but I can literally feel the prayers and support you all are providing in terms of the peace from God that calms my heart and mind. There have been so many 'God moments' and answers to prayers in this process that I look forward to sharing in a future post... but now, it's time for a nap. :)

Love to you all,