Chemo is DONE!

Yesterday, going into my last infusion, I opened my Bible for my 'HOPE' verse of the day. I was brought to the story in Mark 9 about the father who brought his demon possessed son to Jesus and the dialogue went something like this: 

And in the next verses, Jesus delivers the boy by driving out the evil spirit.

The commentary in my study Bible expanded on these verses: "The question was not whether Jesus had the power to heal the boy but whether the father had faith to believe it. A person who truly believes will set no limits on what God can do (vs.23)," and "Since faith is never perfect, belief and unbelief are often mixed (vs.24).

These verses really resonate with me in this season of my life.

I have felt during this whole cancer journey--that the Lord CAN heal me completely--I truly believe that he can... and yet I still get all the doctors and treatments. People have questioned me on both sides of this coin. I kinda feel like it's that story of the drowning man...

I feel like God provides me help through the amazing doctors, technology and science behind cancer research... chemo the rowboat, surgery the motorboat, and radiation the helicopter... to be 'saved' from this terrible diagnosis and I'm taking every opportunity he's providing me. I struggle with the unbelief/belief, and I am so thankful that Jesus is one who meets me where I am (and where this father was). Jesus allows for the raw honesty, and had mercy for the "if" statement. IF God is real, then... EVERYTHING is possible for Him who believes... the reason for my HOPE! Lord, please help me to know it is by your power alone that I am saved--for eternity and for your purposes and glory here on this earth!

The "IF" statement makes me nostalgic for the IF conference we hosted at our church last year, and since I wasn't able to lead it again this year, it got dropped from the radar :(. It's happening in many, many places throughout the world all throughout the spring (livecast on Feb 9-10). Heck, I might just register and watch it from home... yes, I think I might! Anyone want to join me? Here's a little promo they put out last week...  and the link to find out if one is happening in your neck of the woods... https://register.ifgathering.com/if-local. My house isn't listed on there... but seriously, let me know if you want to come over! 

Hello 2018

Favorite family photo of 2017!

It was amazing to have Christmas with my family and time off together over break. We've had some good family time, great visits with wonderful friends, productive time around the house, a fun New Year's celebration... and now reality hits today with Brian back to school, getting the kids ready to go back tomorrow, and me going down for another treatment tomorrow as well (only 5 more!!!!)

Sunset on 2017

Sunrise to start our new year!

As we say goodbye to 2017 (yea!) and HELLO to 2018, the message in my Bible reading and also my Facebook feed over and over is one of pairing TRUST and HOPE together.

This makes total sense to me... the only reason that I have the HOPE that I have is that I can rest in the TRUTH that God loves me, that God is good, and that God has this all worked out on my behalf--eternally and I believe even here on this earth. He's got a purpose for all things. Good, bad and hard. The hardest part of HOPE is to rest in that TRUTH and find peace with the process.

Psalm 31:19 & 24 tell me, "How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of meno on those who take refuge in you... Be strong and take heart, all you who HOPE in the Lord." That is me! I will be strong and take heart (be comforted) because I hope... because I have someone trustworth to hope in. I can see joy, and wonder, and healing because of hope.

Psalm 71:14 will be my theme verse for 2018... 

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

It's Cancer

There are many words that can change your life. Cancer is definitely one of them.

Two weeks ago (June 25 to be exact), I received a phone call at 9:30 on a Sunday night from my doctor that confirmed that the lump I felt in my left breast at the end of May was, in fact, invasive ductal carcinoma. I asked, "what does that mean?" "It's cancer."

Life changed. I will put all the details of my diagnosis of breast cancer and what I have found out since in the next post, but this news itself warrants a post of it's own. It's shocking. It's real. It's news that will change my life and the life of those I love most.

Hope.

Hope is also a word that has changed my life.

My mentor in college had me memorize Psalm 62:5... "Find rest, o my soul, in God alone. My hope comes from him." This is where my mind went after receiving the phone call from my doctor with the biopsy findings, and continues to be what I keep coming back to. My hope has never been in my circumstances, but in God alone... and now in this especially. It's so huge, so unknown, so out of my control, I praise God that my hope can be found in Him, in my salvation rather than my physical health. It doesn't mean it's not scary. It doesn't mean that I'm not going to do everything medically and physically possible to rid my body of this invader. It means that I have hope and joy that lives outside of this body. It means that I believe in a God that is bigger than cancer. It means that I can rest in knowing that I am not alone in life and especially in this--not only does God himself live in me but he sends me hope through others--Jesus with skin on.

I was encouraged by friends to blog this journey--for me as well as keeping family and friends updated in a central location. I had kinda forgotten about the blog I started years ago (my last post was in 2013!) and figured why create a new one... no need to remember a new password! Also, the pictures on here from so many years ago are fun for me to look back on, and I think will be a source of encouragement for me. So, here I am and I plan to post as frequently as I feel the need. It's going to be a place for me to put it out there... mostly for me, but also for you, too. For me to post on what is happening so I can keep track of the God moments in my story, so I can vent and put words to the feelings and process of this journey ahead of me, so you can track with me and know how to pray for me and my family, so I don't have to spend so much time on my phone responding to each text or facebook message (though I love being reached out to!) with the same updates to all of you wonderful people who care so deeply for me.

If you feel the need to comment, I would appreciate a prayer or a scripture that you focus on in times of trouble. Please no comments on how your relative died of cancer or how terrible chemo is, no advice or soliciting your products, no cliches or those well intentioned words we say when we don't know what to say. This is hard. It just is. Prayers and God's truth, those are what will encourage and sustain me through this. I got the saying below from my former MOPS mentor, Linda Berry, who had been given this quote throughout her own battle with breast cancer and it has been repeated in my house and in my heart several times in the last couple weeks...

Cancer sucks, but HOPE wins.

Priorities

My 'one word' for the year. 

Already being tested. 

I found this quote on pinterest and it has been playing like a tape reel in my head this week as we talk about summer schedules at work (yes, already).

I need to remember this.

Regardless of how much they 'need' me at work, they can hire others.

My family needs me--I'm the only one they've got. 

Year in Review 2011/2012

Our Year in Review this time around was done over yummy coffee drinks in the car on the drive down to Fresno for a friend's new year's eve birthday party.  The kiddos were engrossed in a movie, so Brian and I were able to get a lot down... though I know I'm still finalizing the goals I want to set for myself in 2012.  Thought I'd get them down while I can... the college starts back up this week, so as of Tues, I'm hitting it full speed again!

2011 in Review:
*got heater installed and working (8 years in the making!) * Ethan started preschool, Emmy started kindergarten and Zeke started 2nd grade--all getting great reviews from teachers! * Zeke was in his first bus fight * Avila in June * Family camping in Santa Margarita w/ mishap of no San Simeon reservations--Leonard's joined us for the first time * Kirsten's Capitola Girls/Scrapbooking weekend * Couch!!! * Emmy can read! (Hop on Pop) * Legoland for Ethan's 3rd birthday * Kirsten took Emmy to Disneyland for her 5th birthday * Purchased fake Christmas tree this year * B & K weekend getaway to Capitola over Thanksgiving weekend * Bri entered his 1st beer brewing competiton * Bri bought Tundra & loves it * Cousins Staci and Danielle got married * Brian backpacking FUG pass * Cousin Nathan born-Kirsten got to go be w/ Melissa to help * finished front fence and gate * Ethan got his tonsils out * Brian was voted one of SHS's 'most inspriational teachers' * Organization & decor in the house! * Bri & Zeke to San Fran mission * fostering kittens and then a forever kitty--Anakin * Emmy--1st yr of soccer, loves dress-up, decorating, make-up, dolls, and her cat * Ethan loves trains (Hiro!), talking up a storm, super cute and funny ('spankin' butt) * Zeke totally into Legos, Star Wars, Wii, and tetherball, soccer team was undefeated (but still no goal for him), super good at computers, math and reading, was awarded Sparky of the Year in Awana * Christmas with folks and Grammy B (for the first time I can ever remember--too bad she won't remember it!) * Zeke & Emmy learned to ride bikes w/ no training wheels * and so much more....

Goals for 2012:
* Build fairy garden for Emmy
* Service projects as a family
* Keep up on Bible reading (Story) w/ kids (and adults, too!)
* Add bedroom for Emmy w/out borrowing money to do it
* One weekend away (for B & K)
* Continue Awana, Ethan to start Cubbies in fall
* Ethan to be part of the family--dinner time, help clean, in own bed all night more consistently
* Family recreation 1x per month--bike riding, hiking, Yosemite, pass drives, etc.
* Drive over Sonora Pass first day it's open after winter
* Start savings--college, general, big trip in 2013
* Ethan into soccer in Fall
* Sponsor another child... Gabriel at For His Children orphanage in Quito

There are some personal goals I have set for myself as well, but I think the main one goes along with my 'one word' for the year, for which I have landed on "PRIORITIES."  Brian's goal for me this year is that I wouldn't spread myself so thin and then get frustrated about my lack of time, energy, etc.  I want to be able to have time to do the things I need to do, to spend time with those I love, and to do the things I enjoy, to be able to sleep more, to have more energy for my family, less time on the computer, have fun with friends, scrapbook more (I only got to do this 2x last year!), and to be more creative with my home and children.  So, if I say 'no' to you for something or don't return a phone call right away... don't take it personally and just know that I'm probably playing with my kids who are only this little right now, or I'm folding their laundry so they can have clothes to wear tomorrow, or I'm listening to my husband dream up his next invention, or I'm grading papers for my students who are finding their way in college, or.... taking some time to myself to regroup so I can do it all again tomorrow!!!

Open

One Word can have a big impact... and my word for 2011 is OPEN.

I want to be open to all God has for me.  I want to be more open handed with my time, money, energy, friendship, and love.  I want to be open to Brian's crazy ideas.  I want to be open to learn what I need to know, to know what I need to learn.  I want my home to be open to others.  I want to walk through open doors of opportunity and feel God's peace about it.  I want to open my Bible more.  I want to feel open to others.  I want my calendar to have some open space on it.

Ali Edwards was a contributer to the scrapbooking magazine I subscribe to, so I've been familiar with her for a few years, and it was my friend Lisa Leonard's link to Ali's blog that inspired me to choose a Word of the Year.  Lisa even designed a new necklace for it (see it here)!

This 'one word' journey was so inspiring to me personally, as well as so many others on Ali's blog, that I decided my students should take this journey with me, too!  The first week of class, I had them come up with their 'one word' for the semester.  They all wrote their word out for me and why they chose it... so inspriational to me... I can't wait to see how it plays out for them this semester.  I made a bookmark that I'll be printing out of each of my students with all their words on it... (again, thanks to Ali for the compliation inspriation!)... check it out...