Should have watched the Olympic Opening Ceremonies...

but no... apparently, I have a knack for watching the most heart-wrenching movies when I'm on my own (I really need start reading reviews). I love Drew Barrymore movies, and this one, I Miss You Already, was about best friends in the ups and downs of life, said the oh so very vague description on Amazon Prime. I thought it would be a sweet friendship movie. And yes, while it was that... SPOILER ALERT.... I should have turned it off right near the beginning when the best friend of Drew's character found out she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had to have chemo. And lost her hair and got a wig. And because she was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer and genetics testing indicated so, she had a double mastectomy. And her kids had to see her go through all this. And her husband had the weight of the world on his shoulders, plus a sick wife. And her friends came around her but felt bad for their own struggles and joys in the midst of her battle. And I am ugly crying through all of it, but can't turn it off, because I relate (up until she cheated on her husband... want no part of that!). And then it gets worse, and long movie short... she hopes there is a heaven.

I praise God that I know there is a heaven. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

Chemo is DONE!

Yesterday, going into my last infusion, I opened my Bible for my 'HOPE' verse of the day. I was brought to the story in Mark 9 about the father who brought his demon possessed son to Jesus and the dialogue went something like this: 

And in the next verses, Jesus delivers the boy by driving out the evil spirit.

The commentary in my study Bible expanded on these verses: "The question was not whether Jesus had the power to heal the boy but whether the father had faith to believe it. A person who truly believes will set no limits on what God can do (vs.23)," and "Since faith is never perfect, belief and unbelief are often mixed (vs.24).

These verses really resonate with me in this season of my life.

I have felt during this whole cancer journey--that the Lord CAN heal me completely--I truly believe that he can... and yet I still get all the doctors and treatments. People have questioned me on both sides of this coin. I kinda feel like it's that story of the drowning man...

I feel like God provides me help through the amazing doctors, technology and science behind cancer research... chemo the rowboat, surgery the motorboat, and radiation the helicopter... to be 'saved' from this terrible diagnosis and I'm taking every opportunity he's providing me. I struggle with the unbelief/belief, and I am so thankful that Jesus is one who meets me where I am (and where this father was). Jesus allows for the raw honesty, and had mercy for the "if" statement. IF God is real, then... EVERYTHING is possible for Him who believes... the reason for my HOPE! Lord, please help me to know it is by your power alone that I am saved--for eternity and for your purposes and glory here on this earth!

The "IF" statement makes me nostalgic for the IF conference we hosted at our church last year, and since I wasn't able to lead it again this year, it got dropped from the radar :(. It's happening in many, many places throughout the world all throughout the spring (livecast on Feb 9-10). Heck, I might just register and watch it from home... yes, I think I might! Anyone want to join me? Here's a little promo they put out last week...  and the link to find out if one is happening in your neck of the woods... https://register.ifgathering.com/if-local. My house isn't listed on there... but seriously, let me know if you want to come over! 

Hello 2018

Favorite family photo of 2017!

It was amazing to have Christmas with my family and time off together over break. We've had some good family time, great visits with wonderful friends, productive time around the house, a fun New Year's celebration... and now reality hits today with Brian back to school, getting the kids ready to go back tomorrow, and me going down for another treatment tomorrow as well (only 5 more!!!!)

Sunset on 2017

Sunrise to start our new year!

As we say goodbye to 2017 (yea!) and HELLO to 2018, the message in my Bible reading and also my Facebook feed over and over is one of pairing TRUST and HOPE together.

This makes total sense to me... the only reason that I have the HOPE that I have is that I can rest in the TRUTH that God loves me, that God is good, and that God has this all worked out on my behalf--eternally and I believe even here on this earth. He's got a purpose for all things. Good, bad and hard. The hardest part of HOPE is to rest in that TRUTH and find peace with the process.

Psalm 31:19 & 24 tell me, "How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of meno on those who take refuge in you... Be strong and take heart, all you who HOPE in the Lord." That is me! I will be strong and take heart (be comforted) because I hope... because I have someone trustworth to hope in. I can see joy, and wonder, and healing because of hope.

Psalm 71:14 will be my theme verse for 2018... 

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

Just Be Held

I heard a new (to me) song today while driving alone (yeah... fewer pain meds these days means I can drive!) and I didn't even catch the beginning... but I loved it. It's by Casting Crowns and it's called Just Be Held. The lyrics hit me so close, and so powerfully, I just had to share so I can remember God's words to me today...

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
(Stop holding on and just be held)
Just be held, just be held
Just be held, just be held

Written by John Mark Hall, Matthew West, Bernie Herms • Copyright © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group, Capitol Christian Music Group